If you just realize

Usually I have some sort of idea of what I will say before allowing myself to let my mind wander on here. Tonight is an exception of sorts because I just needed to write. There are so many things running through my mind constantly that some times it is just nice to lay them out before me, examine it all, and then let it soak right in again. I look at life through a magnified glass, always examining and looking up close. Always reading into it all to find the real meaning or rather any meaning, because regardless of what anyone might tell you, just know that they don't tell you everything. Just one look on someones face, investigating the lines and real color of their eyes... just one look tells you what they really meant to say. I look at every one like that, and every thing. The world leaves me curious for more. Ive been listening to a lot of songs on my phone recently because my radio has not been working. I don't know how that happens, and I didn't think I was that into it until I don't have music anymore. You can only sing to yourself for so long until it starts to get annoying. Ive had the horrible habit of finding a song and just repeating it over and over until the words roll off my tongue, and then by that point I am so sick of it that I change to a new song and the process begins all over again. Today's song was "Realize" by Colbie Caillat. I don't really know the point of the song to be honest, even after my millions of times repeating it, I am sure that my meaning and the writers meaning are still on different pages. All I know is that it keeps repeating the phrase.. "If you just realize.." I seriously felt like something or someone was slapping me in the face trying to get me to come to terms with something that I was completely unaware of. If I just realize what? So then, of course, my brain started working even faster.. coming up with millions of little treasures that I fail to acknowledge. Millions of tiny little moments that make up me, Elyse, and help me stand taller. It really is a powerful statement if you think this deeply into it, like I am sure no normal human being would. If you just realize what is right in front of you... if you just realize that you are loved... if you just realize that you need 8 hours of sleep a night... if you just realize that math really isn't your strong suit.. if you just realize that one more day in target just might throw your bill overboard... if you just realize that you really don't like nectarines no matter how many times you try and convince yourself that you do... if you just realize that saying you love someone lights up their eyes... if you just realize that once the gas light comes on, you must immediately search for a gas station before that little lever creeps too far... if you just realize that shakes make your stomach hurt no matter how good they taste, the stomach ache just isn't worth it... if you just realize that cars really do need washing... if you just realize that 3 Advil really does make your hands shaky... if you just realize that you're too mean sometimes... if you just realize that the Lord is always with you... if you just realize that love has the power to push away those clouds.. if you just realize that clean sheets really do help you sleep better... if you just realize that it is so simple. If you just realize things do change.. If you just realize you can change. If you just realize the sun always come up brighter the next day. If you just realize, take a look, soak it all in, breath every once in awhile.. life is so exciting. If you just realize flowers smell fantastic. If you just realize, be aware.. because just when you think you've realized it all, something new comes into focus. Just when you think you've got a hold on things, something shifts your balance. Just when you think it cant get any better, it does.

Angry that things are good?

I write to you in the most vulnerable of times... when I should be in bed. For some reason the most thoughts come to me at this time, mainly because this is when the events of my day play before me in a slide show manner. Some times there are things that didn't catch my eye at first, but in the replay seem to mesmerize me. This isn't just a nighttime experiment, because throughout my day I like to play back events. I am not sure if its because I enjoyed the moment, or rather just to see if I handled myself correctly. I'll play back a conversation over and over to see if there was a tone I didn't catch, or a look I should have given. It sounds neurotic, and yes it is, but its actually really comforting to me. It allows me the time to improve on things, pick and choose what will carry with me I guess. Anyways.. tonight's slide show is leaving me with nothing but tears and confusion. Just when I thought it was all figured out, I had to be blindsided. Had I played back my day today in the form of what I thought would have happened, what really happened is nowhere near that. You would think I would be excited, or comforted, or just peaceful, but the breeze and enjoyment that I had today is making me angry. I'm just angry that it had to be good because it being bad is something I'm used to, something I could rehearse reactions to in the car drive, or something I could replay knowing the outcome... good, good things, those don't seem to be part of my vocabulary with my Dad. I went to see him and his family, my family, today. I even brought my little sister from this side, a merging of families that I have always been anxious about, and everything was fine. "Fine is never good" as Collin would put it, but in this instance it is. I got hugs. I got laughs. Jokes that would have stuck with me for days brushed off my shoulders with a smile. I drove home and immediately called Collin because I had no idea how to handle it, not that he would know either, but he was just as shocked. I found myself planning more outings, playing out in my mind how I could be more available.. maybe more emails, maybe more phone calls, maybe a game night, maybe maybe maybe.. then it dawned on me that he wouldn't be thinking the same things. They would be plans without a date. But I still wanted to put in that effort. Can you see how I would be angry right now? Crying my eyes out? Where is the balance? Where can I find the common ground of hating and loving him at the same time. Where can I find the common ground of having him in my life, but not. Where can I find the common ground of putting in effort, but not enough to exhaust me. I thought I had it all figured out. I really thought I did. I just didn't know that I missed them. I didn't think you could miss people you hate. Hate is a strong word, I guess it would be more appropriate to say that I hate what this has done to me. This week has already been a difficult one for me, that this isn't what I wanted to deal with. I need balance to feel whole. I almost need one of those play books that they use in sports, one that tells me exactly which moves to make with some positives and negatives as to previous outcomes; trial runs if you will. I've never been good at gambling, and lately I feel like I am playing the lottery for my happiness. I just hope that this round I get lucky. I just also have to say that I am grateful for Collin. Tonight I burst into tears, poor guy thought I was happy with the scenario today and then all the sudden i just start bawling saying that I'm angry. Sometimes I just don't make sense, and trust me, even to me this does not make sense. Angry that things were good? But as always, he just let me cry it out and held me in the process. Always the best kind of medicine. It definitely is a comfort to know that he is always there for me. He kept reassuring me tonight that regardless of where anyone stands, he will always be on my side. It just means a lot to me because tonight I felt alone, not knowing what to think or feel, feeling crushed at the thought that I really did have things figured out, only to look up and know that he is always right beside me. I love him so much. He is my best friend and always knows the right things to say to me, even if it is to say nothing at all. I don't ever know how he does it, it is like that scary intuition that ghost whisperers would have. He even knows when I'm going to cry, like the moment I even think about crying. Supposedly my chin twitches? Wow, and I know that its way too late when I look up and Star Trek is on...