Here I am again

Yes yes its been awhile! But I have all finals underway, and I'm even a little into my online class for the summer. I just feel like things are a little more controllable, therefore allowing me to blog. I got really good grades this semester, which makes me so happy, especially when there were two classes I was sure I wouldn't pass. For some reason Spanish is just way hard for me, so thankfully I got a C, and man that was an incredibly hard C. And then there's math... math always seems to hold a sore spot with me, so that was another one where I shouted for joy for the C. It was my second time taking that course and so I am glad to be rid of it! Only one more math to go! English A, Geography B, Sociology A, Pilates A, Yoga A... if I didn't get A's in the last two I think there would seriously be something wrong with me... But overall I am thoroughly pleased with how the semester turned out.

Fetishes. They are so funny. Each person has specific things too, which I find so strange. It's there one avenue in life that they don't ever care about.. Its that one category where the dollar amount doesn't really matter. I think everyone should have that category. Yes, budget budget budget.. but there should always be something that just makes you smile. With that definition in mind though, I think a fetish could be anything really.. not necessarily something materialistic. Like maybe just making your kids laugh when you tickle them. Yes, that certainly can be a fetish. Or every day needing to help at least one person, make at least one persons day. I think that could be a fetish. I discovered today, not that I never knew it but it just came to my attention, that target is a huge fetish of mine. I invited a dear friend to walk target with me today, and while we meandered up and down the aisle I just started laughing. Who invites their friend to walk target? I don't know, it just seemed like the strangest thing to do. We then went to Borders because that is her fetish. We just sat in the magazine isle looking at all the wedding things. You laugh, but it was very entertaining. PS. If I see another tube top wedding dress I might vomit, they seem to think that's the one style that looks good on everyone.. trust me, its not. So yes, Target is my fetish. But then I would also have to say face wash. Another strange one yes, but I for some reason just love trying new face washes. I ask everyone what their face wash of choice is too, hoping that maybe I'll find one to stick with. Maybe I just need to own the fact that I just like to wash, and not try so hard to be exclusive with one product. I honestly could wash my face more than I do my hands. I just love it for some reason. So there, there are a few of my fetishes... target is a little broad of a fetish, but its a fetish just the same, and face wash. Fetishes are just so strange.

Progress

So, yesterday wasn't as bad as it usually is. I went out to my Dads house to do Shavauns hair, and to be honest, if you don't mind me bragging, it was my best work yet. We laughed, we had good conversation.. i did incredible hair.. so my whole letting it all go thing really payed off. I got extremely nervous for a couple minutes before we got there, but through Collins breathing exercises (haha not really, but close) I got control of myself. This letting go thing works for me. I think I'll keep it up.

Its funny because I think my mom knows more about me now that she reads this blog, then I think she did before. Not that we don't talk, but I tend to pour everything out on here. I tend to be extremely vulnerable in this space of mine. Yes, I could walk in the other room and tell her how I feel, but I tend to be better at writing these things down. Hi Mom. I wanted to say thank you for your comment. Yes, technically you were involved in the mess otherwise known as divorce. I don't blame you though. I never have. I bet its hard, standing and watching, but you have stayed in my life, and that is doing more than I could ask for. I appreciate your absence from this, because its caused me to deal with it head on, making me more able to deal with whatever comes next. I appreciate your willingness to make me feel like I have a home. I don't regret the situation. I don't regret what happen at all, because this is for me to deal with. This is my trial. This is my growth. This is just a bumpy road to my perfection (however close i can be to that). I haven't even begun to see the results this will have on me, but I am starting to see the miracles its creating within me. I could not grow without this. So I thank you, because for me, this is just part of the masterpiece I call my life. This is just a puzzle piece that has to be sanded down in order to fit, and its really close to fitting. I love you.

Today I had to teach in Relief society. I taught about the gifts of the spirit and their importance. How you get them, how you keep them, how every has ones unique to their lives, and how some times you don't even know they are there until someone points them out. I realized while teaching that I have the gift of knowledge. I couldn't be going through this adventure without that special gift from the spirit, and I know it was through the spirit that I even obtained the gift in the first place. After the lesson I was thinking about a friend of mine who is going through a hard time right now. It just came to me that he is developing special spiritual gifts through this trial, and he wouldn't be able to get them without the hardship. I texted him my thoughts because I was hopeful they would help. You know those times when things come out of your mouth, and the minute that are out you realize it was really meant for you? This was one of those times. It just hit me that through my trial concerning my dad, I am gaining precious spiritual gifts that I wouldn't be able to obtain without the hardship. I think that's why they say to be grateful for your trials, because you grow and learn so much, just about yourself. It makes letting go so much easier, knowing and examining those spiritual gifts I am developing. I couldn't tell you what they are, but I am more aware of their existence. So thank you hard times, you give me grief, but you give me gifts as well.

Yoga

Before I start on this new thought process, I thought I should warn all those reading that yes, this is how I truly think, and yes, this is me. I don't over exaggerate, I don't try and please you with my extreme thoughts. I just like to tell you how I feel, in hopes that maybe it will help you to really think about how you feel. Feelings are such a funny notion; full of complications and confusion. But when sifted through correctly, can lead you to incredible growth that you could have never envisioned for yourself. So yes, I am for real, and even though this is a computer and I cant really see your face, I can imagine the eyes rolling, or the bewildered look of confusion when trying to place these words with my body, but to those looks I say, welcome. Welcome to my thoughts, welcome to my weird sense of being, welcome to my feelings. Welcome.

Yesterday was my last day of yoga for the semester. We had a little "end of the year" party in which we were all to bring some form of healthy food. It was quite the party, full of vegan cheesecake, humus, and fruit. You couldn't calm us down! Vegan cheesecake is actually quite good. Humus... it was ok. Anyways, we brought in our food, and sat in a circle, and while we ate we shared our stories. We were supposed to share how yoga has changed us. Change isn't something you can really pinpoint with me. Change for me, is something that I realize while looking back on my actions. I don't realize it in the moment of change, mainly because my change tends to be a process. Its a process of little growth here and there. So then I have these moments of clarity where I look back at all those little actions and just smile at the finishing product they have formed, not knowing they were even trying to create a picture in the first place. My job was to find those tiny pieces inside of me that had changed in a matter of minutes. It wasn't easy, because quite frankly, its yoga. Yes, I feel less stressed, more flexible, I'm able to breath deeper, but... nothing life altering. Each person said there little bits of their stories as we went around the circle, nothing overly exciting was coming into the conversation, except for this one older woman. She wasn't in our usual class. She happened to be visiting by for a yoga class not knowing that it was our last day. At least she got some free food with it all. I could tell by the looks of many of the students in there, that they weren't too thrilled about her 5 minute speech, maybe even longer. I'll admit I wasn't too thrilled about it either, with her occasional story of her broken arm, and then her husbands death, it didn't seem too relevant. I nodded and smiled to let her know I was listening, when I really wasn't, until then all the sudden a bunch of my little pieces were pulling themselves together with her words. She talked about change in the most beautiful way. She said that though yoga can make you more flexible in your body, it has made her more flexible in her mind, helping her to sift through her thoughts and judge them for their relevance. She talked about being able to go to a different area of her mind when she didn't want those thoughts, and how helpful that has been through her trials. She also talked about letting things go, that through writing your thoughts and feelings down, you can properly let them go. You don't have to think about them anymore because you know they are written somewhere for safe keeping; no longer are you a slave to them. I found all this very powerful. I found it something I needed to hear.

Yoga has certainly given me a flexibility in my thoughts, just as that woman was saying. No, I am not the most peaceful person, but since Christmas I can see a big change. It has helped me to know where thoughts should go. Sometimes thoughts aren't needed, and I know how to get rid of them. Sometimes thoughts are inappropriate and can lead to disastrous things. At times my brain can go faster than I can catch it, first starting with I need to go to target to get face lotion, and then somehow ending in how bad my skin is and I wish it would go away because with bad skin people stare at it, and then oh that person cut me off while I was driving to school, to I need to do all that homework and if I don't I will fail and get kicked out of college and if I get kicked out... It all isn't needed, and look how fast it can get out of control. Yoga taught me to calm my thoughts, to keep them in check, deciding what is needed at the moment and what can wait till later. No, I haven't mastered it yet, but I am at least aware of it, slowly getting better each day. My thoughts can be my biggest enemy at times, taking me places only to go against myself. Its a constant battle to keep those things in check. Its a constant battle to keep my thoughts from taking over. The more I can control them, the more I know about myself. So, this should take awhile.

I should have caught her name. I wish I would have at least payed attention to this woman long enough to catch her name because she taught me a precious lesson in her little yoga speech. She taught me the ability to let go. That through writing my feelings down, I don't have to hold it in any longer, and those feelings can no longer control me. So here it goes, I am finally letting go...

I say to every one that my Dad doesn't bother me anymore, and yes that's true. There are things that don't bother me, but I still hold it with me every day. I push my feelings below the surface, but then when I hear from him, it brings those feelings up again and I have to deal with it all over. This weekend. Shavaun wants me to do her hair for prom. I'm bringing Collin, hes my security blanket. All those feelings have come rushing back and I cant do it anymore. I don't want to hate him anymore, and I don't want to hate the fact that he doesn't try. He doesn't try, nothing more to it, nothing I can do to change that, nothing that I didn't do. He doesn't try. I cant blame him, I bet its hard being a parent from a distance, and I wish him all the luck to his children that are with him. I know he's a good dad with them, it just hasn't worked out for me. It is too much energy, energy that emotionally I cant deal with any longer. I want him so badly, and I have always wanted him. Its like that ridiculous notion of wanting what you don't have, but how can you want what you don't have when you never had it? Trust me, it doesn't make sense to me either.. but I did have him. I don't know what changed, and I go through it in my mind every time all these feelings come rushing back.. But it cant be me anymore. Yes, I have changed and I have grown.. yes, I have changed, but I will not blame myself for this change. I will take credit for all of my growth, but I wont blame myself for this. The problem is, is that every time I know I am going to see him, I get this feeling that maybe when he sees me, he will realize how much he misses me and he will change. Maybe just seeing me after its been so long will do the trick. Then I see him, and usually the first thing said is "you never come see me," and that's when the hurt hits me right in the gut, making me feel like I'm the one who has changed. That its my fault things aren't better. I cant do that to myself anymore. He has affected my ability to trust men, and that needs to stop. I need to stop blaming Collin for things he has done, and start blaming him. No, I wont hate him, but I cant like him. I will always love him, but out of respect. When I see him I will smile and hug, and reminisce on old times, times that were good while they lasted. I cant change him, I can only change myself, and part of a huge change for me is having the ability to let go. I haven't thought I could do it. Its almost like holding onto all the hurt made it better, and easier to deal with. While I stored it away in my mind I felt closer to him, when really it was pulling me away from myself. I have held on to all of this for so long that I don't know what I will do without it, and even now I am crying because I know what I have to say next. I didn't know this would be so hard..... but I am finally letting go...

Rituals

There are rituals in life. Things that make us comfortable. Things that no matter what changes in life, you know they will always be the same. I don't care how adventurous of a person you are, there is always room for comfortable things, and you have them, you know you do. Some times you create rituals and you don't even realize it until one day you are a little gloomy and then all the sudden you realize this said thing makes you feel better. This is where Yogurtland comes into my life, along with Dr. Laura. Say what you will, but the woman is incredible. And yes family, I am a trader, I am obsessed with Yogurtland. Today I realized that it has been a regularity in my life for about a week now, so odd. I get in my car on a Tuesday or Thursday, when I can catch Dr. Laura for more than 10 min., and then I go to Yogurtland. Not only is the ritual Yogurtland with Dr. Laura, but its the same exact flavors every day. How could I be eating the same exact thing and not even realize it till now? So I get the Yogurt, drive home, sit in my driveway, and eat while feeling comforted by the fact that some people have many more issues than me, or just that some people are very funny. So yes, this is my ritual and I love it. I didn't know that I loved it until I realized I had been doing it for a week, but I love it.

Now.. Meet my future... Yes, I call this piggy my future because he holds all the coins that will make me money, and who doesn't want something like that?? I have had a fascination in piggy banks for awhile, I don't know why I like them or what it is about them that is so great. I mean, they hold coins, big deal. For some reason though I think they are the cutest things ever, and to hold my change.. what an honor to have something that trustworthy. I will rub him for good luck, even though I don't really believe in that and think that its all in our heads, but still he will be good luck. Yes, I painted him. Yes, putting money in him will hopefully become a ritual of mine, and one that I enjoy.. and the reason he is considered a he because he is covered with polka dots of pinks and purple? I have no idea. My money Ritual.

Some rituals are funny. Some you expect to happen, which are the funny ones to me. Its the things in life that you do because you know it will be a certain way, and then when its not it freaks you out. For instance my discovery of chocolate covered pretzels. Who invented those beauty's? Gosh they are so fabulous I cant stand it. But they confuse me, they really do confuse me. I know what chocolate is supposed to taste like because its sweet and creamy. It tastes good. I have always been a little questionable toward chocolate covered things though because why combine it when the original is so tasty? It just seems like such a waste. My mouth is also one that doesn't like the combination of flavors. I am the annoying dinner guest that goes around and eats every item on my plate separately. The only things I combine are meats with a little potato on it, other than that, they are supposed to be enjoyed individually. So no, combinations are not my favorite things in the world. My mouth gets confused on what its supposed to taste more, till it just tastes like nothing. Then there is pretzels, which are good, I don't mind them. They aren't the first thing I would grab when entering the pantry, but I would take them when offered. They are salty and crunchy and good. I don't mind them. Especially the stick ones, you could eat hundreds and not know a difference, they just go in so fast its incredible. So I tried the combination a couple days ago. The chocolate covered pretzel. I popped it into my mouth and it was heaven. I had no idea what was going on, salty sweet salty sweet sweet salty. It was like a mixture of everything holy. The crunch, the salt, the chocolate. Genius. Pure Genius is the chocolate covered pretzel. This is added to my ritual list. Most certainly a part of my days now.

Defining Beauty

Today in Sociology we had a great discussoon. It is something that gets me more than I care to admit, and I would like to assume that it gets everyone sucked in at times. Lets all just admit that we do because that would make me feel so much better. I have a horrible habit of getting sucked in at times. I, more than most, look at those smaller, taller, more pretty, smarter... all I can seem to think is would I want to be them? Not, I want to be them, but would I want to be? I honestly cant say that I ever know the answer to that question.. even now, with a clear head, I have no idea. I just know that on some days it would be nice. So you can imagine how much this video touched me because it displayed what every one knows but tends to forget some times. What is beauty? What do I consider to be beautiful? Not what the media and others have told me, but me, just me. What do I consider to be beautiful? My sociology teacher is an amazing women, who has pushed me to really think about where I stand on things. She literally walked into the class, played these movies, and then said "What do you think?" We all just stared at her for awhile, but it was an incredible discussion. Incredibly interesting. So please watch and I'll pose the question to you too, "What do you think?"

Writing You

I find it funny that most the time when I come on here to post it is because I am sitting at my computer ready to do homework. I get all my supplies out, and I open up a Word document, then somehow this is where I come next. Odd how that works. Today my assignment is a photo project. Don't even worry, I already complained about the relevance this project would have in a COLLEGE level course. I somehow feel as if I am in seventh grade again, but I guess its the points that matter. He really didn't appreciate my complaint either, so you can imagine how somehow I wound up in the back of the classroom. I feel like the back can be interpreted many ways. There are those that go back there to get away from the eyes of the professor, not knowing that the back is where he will look the most because he knows they think that. There are those who sit in the back because they don't read the assignment and want to bypass the whole questionnaire that might come if called on. Again, they somehow forget that the professor knows this too and will purposely call on them. Then there is me...I don't know what category I fit into, I just know that I voice my opinions too much in there and decided that I should go to the back to distract me from saying whats on my mind. It sounds stupid because you are probably thinking that college classrooms are for opinions, but see I tend to comment on personal life things.. you know, things you should just pretend you agree with in order for the professor to like you. Things like maybe their obsession with Rum, and how they manage to bring it into every lecture in a geography class and how that is only encouraging students to think that drinking is acceptable in a learning environment. Of course, I am only speaking of example, wouldn't that be crazy if I really said that?... and please don't answer that question. Today. Today nothing really happened that would make it stand out from any other day. I think that's why I liked it. I like days where everything is just simple, and you smile at people walking, and you feel good about it just being simple. I like simple. You know, simple that doesn't involve cutting and pasting photos together with descriptions on why the mountains in them formed. You know, simple things other than that. Actually, I feel I made a lot of progress today. For one thing, my laundry doesn't really need to be done, and my room is actually clean. That helped in my thoughts, gave me liberty to fill that area with things that interest me more than housework; namely my books. (And by the way, I really enjoy the word "namely" because it makes me feel like whatever comes after it is going to be so important that people might pause at the "namely" and think wow, whatever is coming next must really be great.)I was reading in my car, as I always do when I arrive at school early on purpose so that I can do just that, and I was enjoying my book just as much as ever when a thought crossed my mind. A thought I really really liked, and one that is still exciting even when its been hours from thinking it. I need to start writing. I need to start writing. I have such a passion for it, and ideas are constantly flowing through my mind. Constantly coming and going, and how amazing would it be if those crazy thoughts actually meant something to someone. How amazing to have all those little thoughts and pieces of thoughts, all pulled together to form a story that people might actually remember and appreciate. I definitely want to at least, at the very least, be appreciated by one person. Even then I have it covered because I know for a fact my Grandma would read it, whether it was out of obligation to her favorite grandchild or out of love for my story, who really cares. At least I would get one sold. So yes, I am going to start a story. Now you ask, what will your story be about? I thought about this a long time in my car this morning, and all throughout my many miles of hiking around campus.. I don't know if I have a solid idea yet because things will continue to come to me and I will mold it into whatever has come before it, but I think I will write about me. Selfish maybe? Yes, very selfish, and no it wont be about me really, but I most certainly want it to be in the first person. I want her to be speaking to the reader so that they feel they really know her. They should feel like she is sitting right by them making them laugh and cry along with her. So no, not really me, but I will become whoever I will write about, so that I know what they feel and what they would say. I want her to be average, just like how blogs work. Just someone who doesn't feel anyone is listening, but yet everyone is. Someone who just writes to write and just tells stories to tell stories. Someone who isn't important in the world, or at least doesn't believe they are, but who is all too important to the world in their beautifully simple dialect. I want her relationships with others to be important, because isn't that what life is about? Relationships? Learning and growing and getting to know yourself through learning about others. So I want her to grow. I want her to be different at the end of the story to teach progress in character. To teach people that you can change if you want to. Maybe she'll start off completely hopeless, maybe that would make her change more meaningful. I want her to be emotional. Not overly emotional, like crying every second, or overly intense. I just want her to be real. To feel exactly what she should be feeling, none of this overly exaggerated fairytale stuff that makes people wish they were someone else. I want them to love who they are. I want her to love who she is, and be really confident in it. Yes, there should be some sort of plot to the entire thing, but I think it will just be with who she meets and what they bring into her life. Something meaningful. Something real. So... as if that's not a lot to live up to, I will start working on it right away, just jotting down things here and there when they come to me. I'll let you have a sneak peak once I get a good amount down. Gosh.. now off to homework.

He knows

There are days when the most interesting thoughts come to my mind. I just sit and laugh, thinking that if anyone were to listen in on these thoughts, I think they would question their friendship with me, or rather my sanity. I personally don't even know how some get there, they are just there, and then I cant erase them because they are just too clever to be erased. I need to start writing in here every day so that I definitely make sure you know every thought that goes on in this head of mine. I think your perception of me would change drastically, and I cant help but think how funny that would be. I am currently reading a book that embodies this very notion. I feel like she writes exactly what she is thinking, which makes me love her so much more than most authors. I can sense exact sarcasm, and humor, and sadness.. she makes everything so clear and funny, gosh she is so funny. Maria de los Santos. She's written two books so far and I just cant get enough of them. Its not that the story line is the most compelling thing I have ever read, although it is good and entertaining, but she just makes it so real. I don't ever feel like I'm reading about some fantasy world I can never be part of, its just real people doing funny mundane things. Clever, she is just so clever. Anyways, why I'm speaking of her? I just want to be that clever, and on a more selfish note I think that I am, I just have to voice my cleverness more. Yes, I'll admit I can be selfish, at least I'm woman enough to admit it.

Lots of things have been happening in my life that I have made little notes about in previous entries. Yes, I didn't get into UCI which was a very big disappointment, not because of the caliber of the school, but just because it was a disappointing event. I just didn't have another plan at the time, which made it disappointing, and stressful to then quickly come up with a plan. I did find one however, one that makes me grateful for the decline of my application. Its funny how those things work, because that happens to me so much. I get all into an idea, and then it doesn't work out, only to find a new idea that makes me wondering why I was so caught up in the first idea.. new ideas are always so much better. Anyways.. I will complete this next year at Saddleback, resulting in 90 units where I will then transfer to an online program through Indiana University. Its a program where you only have to complete another 30 units, consisting of about 10 classes, and they are all online, helping you to get your Bachelors in General Studies. No, its not English like I wanted, but we don't always get what we want. I am actually looking forward to the general studies mainly because through learning about sociology and psychology, I don't really want to limit myself to one thing. And hey, who actually looks at the actually degree anymore? I just want to be a Teacher, and this lets me still be a teacher, so I am happy. This also gives me the opportunity to get a full time job, seeing as everything is online. This helps greatly with my future plans... and that's all I will say on that one.

Yes, I have to keep writing because I don't write often and I like to fit all my thoughts in, it feels nice to just get them out. I've been struggling lately with my church attendance. Its just hard for me to get myself motivated to be there when I feel there is no reason for me to be. I know Sacrament is important, but its all the other stuff that has really been a struggle to sit through. I know that has everything to do with my attitude, and how I approach Sundays, but its just been hard. If I am not teaching then I leave after sacrament. Collin and I recently had a conversation about this and decided we should just stay and try and have a better attitude about it and see what happens. I went to church today with somewhat of the same attitude, I was just more aware of the times I was bored. I cant say that anything was strikingly different about church, but I did however take away something today, whereas that hasn't been happening. You have those moments when you just know something, its through the spirit that that one prayer is answered in the most clear way. I had that happen to me 3 years ago, a feeling I will never forget. The problem was, ever since that feeling I have been praying to know that same answer. I have been questioning and searching for more confirmation on it. I haven't ever forgot that moment, but I have continued to question. No answers have come since then. Yes, good feelings.. yes, slight assurance.. but never that strong again. You can imagine how frustrated I have become, and how crazy it has been making me.. thinking maybe that wasn't what I thought, or maybe He was lying, maybe maybe maybe.. what if what if what if. The worst words ever invented. I was sitting in gospel essentials today discussing prayer. A girl in the class retold a story of her impression to move to St. George. She said she didn't know why, she just knew that she had to go and then she would know the why once she got there. She frantically searched for the whys and doubted and question till finally she just went, and two weeks later met her husband. She said she should have been grateful that she didn't need to do the work. She just got the impression and acted on it, but she didn't need to search it out. Heavenly Father just gave her the answer, and she just continued to doubt by searching for the reasons. That just hit me so strongly, and I realized that I need to just be grateful for not needing to do the work. I should be grateful that He trusts me that much to give me such a powerful impression.. and I have only doubted with question upon question. He is probably looking down on me saying "Lady I told you the answer, what more do you need?" I don't need more.. That impression was strong enough to last a lifetime, and I got the answer I needed then that continues helping me now, if only I will let it. I just have to remember that and not question Him so much. So yes, I will be attending all hours of church now because that answer alone meant more to me than anything right now. It was exactly what I needed; He knew exactly what I needed.