How did I know?

I've been thinking a lot about things people say for encouragement. It is like they don't know what exactly to do, so they always tell you something positive. It is supposed to be that one thing that miraculously changes your way of thinking because we all know that's what they want to happen once it leaves their mouth. I've found this to be a common occurrence with my pending acceptance to UCI. The min I release the information that I am planning on attending I get nothing but excitement, and then when I admit that I don't think it will happen, another round of excitement follows with reassurance that I might be the one to break the chain of failure. Funny thing is, I never believe them. These encouragements are their funny little way to get around the disappointing fact that I just might be the one person to not get in. And yes, you guessed it, I didn't get in. I cant say that I am disappointed because Ive had this feeling lately telling me that it was coming, so it really is no surprise to me. The surprise to me is that while this feeling has been hovering, I have constantly had the fear that I had no second plan, but yet I haven't done anything to change that. I have no idea what my second plan is. I'm obviously stuck at Saddleback for another year where I continue to try and motivate myself that its better training, regardless of the fact that I will never come to believe that. I was thinking about running for President of the Sociology club at Saddleback, a course that I have become quite interested in, a course in which the Professor respects my opinions more than I think she should because sometimes even I don't understand what comes out of my mouth. I just thought that maybe that club could be what sets me apart, because we all know that college acceptance is all about what makes you different from the next person in line. I don't know what to do. I know that the min I tell Collin about this he will insist on appealing it, explaining that there has to be something that is wrong. Sometimes he believes in me more than anyone ever will. Maybe that's the one thing that really sucks about this situation. Yes, I said it, this situation really bites. I think, even though I expected this to happen, but I think what bothers me most is that I have worked my butt off for this moment. I have done nothing but school, piling on the units as if that will make me appear more intelligent. I have put forth what I considered to be my best effort, but on paper that effort is nothing. On paper that effort is flat, just like the paper itself. Nothing jumps out but someone who worked way too hard. So much for encouragement. So what was supposed to be that celebratory moment, sure as heck isn't. All those comments of excitement fell on deaf ears, because I think I even knew then that they were all full of crap. People just say things to avoid moments like this one where the other person does nothing but complain, leaving the listener to daydream about all the places in the world they would rather be, every place but listening to the complainer. Yes, I am the complainer. Here's to whatever plan I end up coming up with.. and now I have to tell everyone what I was desperately hoping I was wrong about. I really wanted to make it this time. I don't understand why this always happens to me.

On my knees

In life we have special moments. Moments where you feel nothing but gratitude for the cards you have been dealt. Moments where you look around and you just see nothing but beauty. Moments when you suddenly realize you've been wrong about something, or moments where you realize you've been right. They are those special little moments that cause for celebration of some sort. Some celebration of life, or of love, or maybe just the blessing of family. For me, they cause me to just sit and stare at absolutely nothing because I am usually shocked at the information that randomly comes to my mind. I had one of these special moments just now. It was a moment where everything truthful of my faith came flashing at me in one blur. It was a moment where I just sat and stared as tears fell down my face in gratitude. It was a moment when Gods hand in my life was all too apparent. It started a couple days ago with an email I received from a somewhat close relative. I am always surprised to hear from this relative, since I am not in frequent contact with her. We recently saw each other at a funeral, but even then we didn't talk too much. She is distant to me, but yet holds way to much trust in me. Not saying that I am not a trustworthy person, but considering how well we know each other... I just think its too much trust. I seem to have a parental role in our relationship, when you really step back and analyze the dynamics.. but then again I seem to have a parental role within everything in this side of the family. That's for another blog however. This email was a plea for help. Pleading me to help her? I know, I thought it was ridiculous too. It took me a few days to respond because I didn't find that my words would really bring her comfort. I definitely don't have anything important or earth shattering stories to tell. I finally sat down and wrote my letter tonight, and everything just spilled out how it should have. She needed help with the gospel, and all I could talk about was faith. All I could talk about was how horrible the world would be without the comfort of belief in something greater. I don't know what my words will do, or if my "counsel" will have any affect on her.. but it really affected me. I struggle every day to do the Lords work, as I am sure we all do. I struggle every day to know that I am doing what he wants me to do. I struggle with loving as He loves, and treating others as He would treat them. Then this song always pops in my head. "When you look in the mirror do you see who he sees?" Some days I do, and some days I don't. But to know that He sees something so much greater.. to know that someone believes in me as much as He does, and someone knows I am capable... How comforting...Then I got thinking about that poem "Footprints" and how that its through those times of trial that He is carrying you.. I began the email not knowing what to say, and ended with a very spiritual experience for myself. One of those moments where everything made sense. One of those moments where tears just fell in gratitude, and one that I hope to remember... its when those special moments leave you that things become much harder. Its hard on a day to day basis to remember those special little moments. One thing that seems to help me is Ether 12:4. Read it. I am grateful for the special little moments where the only place to go next is on your knees.