Singing Together

I just returned from my weekly choir rehearsal and I cannot go to bed without putting my thoughts down. It is amazing the beauty that comes through music. You would think that I know and expect this every time I sing, but it creeps up on me every time. Tonight I had a mini personal "revelation"; a moment where things just made sense. I like moments like those. I find peace in personal clarity. It was nothing major, nothing earth shattering, and definitely not the first time I have heard the phrase, but sitting among 160 voices singing with confidence things just tend to hit you harder than they would in a normal setting. This quarter within the OCMCO we are singing a correlation of church hymns with various twists. Its our conductors goal to raise a few eyebrows in the audience. We get so used to hearing things a certain way that we get into a habit of singing them without thinking of their meaning. It sinks in when you mix up the melodies; makes you think about what is really being sung. The one that hit me tonight was Rock Of Ages. I used to think of that song as a funeral hymn, or something that sounded more like a march in a Broadway play. With a new arrangement its beauty was uncovered. I want you all to look up that hymn and really read the words.. "Rock of Ages, cleft for me, Let me find myself in thee..." How comforting to know that I can find myself within the Savior. Its a concept Ive known before but it really struck me tonight, especially with my personal explorations these days. But aren't we all trying to find ourselves? Aren't we all trying to find our place of comfort in the world? Our resting place? I just hope these words don't leave me, and this feeling doesn't leave me. With our powerful voices behind those lines, they had pure meaning... "Let me find myself in thee." And so however simple these words may be, tonight they bring great comfort... great comfort.

I was so negative in my last entry that I completely forgot to tell about my boat trip! Me, Collin, and his best friend Alex, rented a little speed boat down in the Newport Harbor this past weekend. It sounds so silly, but it was extremely fun! I think of this now mainly because it reminds me of simple beauty. The ocean scenery is so simple. It never changes either, and yet it still continues to be exciting. So we traveled at our 5mph, around the Newport Harbor. You would have thought it was our first time on a boat. The houses were beautiful, the ships were beautiful, and the water was beautiful. It was such a refreshing afternoon/evening. An outing this pleasant was definitely planned by Collin. In fact I distinctly remember making fun of him for even thinking we could rent a boat. They actually let people do that! This is one of the many reasons why I love him. He is a meticulous planner, but always makes sure everyone is enjoying themselves. This gets me thinking about a conversation I had awhile ago with my grandparents. I'll never forget that conversation. They explained to me that over time people change and become people they never were when you married them. The key though is to be able to love someone in spite of who they are, not who they are right now, because who they are right now will most definitely change. They are going to do things to upset you, disappoint you, excite you... but you need to love them in spite of it all. Collin and I have been growing up together in a way because these are such important times in life; these are time when you truly figure out who you are. We have changed so much in these years, and in the process I can honestly say there have been things I haven't liked. I know he can say the same about me. There have been times when he has made me mad, and times when hes made me cry out of happiness... But his soul, who he is with all of that removed, has never changed... In spite of everything that has changed, in spite of all the obstacles we've been through to get here... His soul has never changed. . I love him in spite of it all. I love him for who he is, and who he is becoming. I love him with the good and the ugly.. He is my best friend. I cannot thank my grandparents enough for that conversation. I will never forget it.

A battle for good.

I am well into my 2nd week of school and I can honestly say that i am enjoying the experience. Since my enrollment in Saddleback, its been almost one and a half years, I know many faces now. Its comforting to walk to and from classes while engaging in various smiles. It makes you feel like you belong, and yes I do belong there. I will admitt though, that I am not as motivated as I was my first semester here. I hope that has to do with the fact that I am so close to finishing, infact I know it has to do with that mostly. I think also, since failing math, that was a little blow to my spirits. I tend to get like that, where one little thing brings me down and then its twice as hard to get back up; a personality trait of mine that I am not fond of. So I am trying, really I am. I am trying to get back up and to feel like I can do it. Its amazing how much discouragement comes with failing. I never knew things like this affected me so much, I mean in high school I failed classes, so this isn't a new thing. For some reason it is though, because this is the new me. This isn't the me that was in high school. I like to think of myself as two different people; the old and the new. The new me doesn't include failure. Ive noticed myself not showering that much, sleeping longer... all the characteristics of my past life. I want it to change, and so it will. It really will... just not right this second. I have to get my mind back into that place, the place where I can do anything and be anybody.. that's a hard place for me to get into. Its hard to imagine great things out of something that isn't so great. As negative as this entry sounds, I must reassure all readers that I really am doing good. Its just the school thing that is taking a little toll on me. A big toll on me. Its a weird funk that I only saw myself in, in previous years.. One I didn't think would come back. The technical term would be discouragement. I think what scares me most is that this "funk", this "discouragement", will slowly blend its way towards depression. It used to creep up on me when I least expected it, and in the past couple years I have done everything I could possibly think of to help myself to not get stuck in that spot. I thought I was doing good. Its amazing how positive affirmations can make a true difference. So I try those everyday. Other than this weird funk.. I am doing really well. I feel like going through a life cleansing process where I change everything around in my room in hopes for new forms of creativity. I actually think that's exactly what I will do tonight. I am also in the process of writing a few short stories to submit to various scholarship opportunities. I figured it would be a fun process; a good way to pressure me into actually writing something worthwhile.. and in the mean time hope for some free college money (haha free money?). Well.. I am supposed to be working on math homework right now, so i best get to that. Just know that I do find my life worthwhile. I do wake up every morning grateful for my family, my home, my car... things most people take for granted, or things people assume I take for granted. This is why this funk frustrates me, because there is so much to be happy about, and all I can seem to think of is the failure. My mind is my worst enemy and it finds great comfort in the negative aspects of life.. its a constant battle to pull out the good. So, that is all. A battle for good.

Fresh Start

wow. well I guess I really meant it when I said that i was ditching life. I truly ditched everything-including my blog. Normally apologies would follow such a comment, but not today, because it was a beautiful break from life. I cant say I did anything special, but that was exactly why it was so wonderful. I start school tomorrow, and yes I am a little in denial of that fact. However long my break was, the end always seems to catch up to you quicker than you like to hope it will. I just finished organizing and throwing out old papers from last semester. That is always the best feeling... out with the old, and in with the new. I even gave myself a new supply of writing utensils. That's a weird quirk of mine... I always love a new pen. So I am ready to learn, and I am ready to get out of saddleback. I mean it-I am ready to be out. Its funny how your body and mind go through those stages. I used to be so excited to be there, and so excited to be doing the college thing, until I realized suddenly that Saddleback definitely isn't the "college thing". Its the holding ground for all the people waiting to participate in the "college thing." And to be honest, I don't even know what the "college thing" really would be, I just know that it isn't at Saddleback.

Last semester presented me with a bit of a nervous break down. I honestly cant pinpoint where or when this break down happened because it wasn't just a moment. It seemed to be a series of events that just broke my emotions down to where I became a robot. I just woke up and did my thing, then I went to bed. I hated that feeling and got so frustrated with myself. Needless to say I ended up failing math because of this "mental disfunction." I just was burning out, and being a highly stressful person it was bound to happen at some point. Hopefully this break cured me. Just in case it didn't though, I signed up for Yoga and Pilates. Yes, I want to be all zen like. Well.. actually I just want to be hot. I figure the zen, the exercise, the sanity... If I don't get through this semester better than the last, well, I just better get through this semester. So, we have a new year that brings happy beginnings and fresh starts. I always love those fresh starts. I'm feeling good about tomorrow. My laundry is done, my room is vacuumed, and my backpack is packed. Now all we need is a goal. I always start out my semesters with a goal in mind. Last semester my goal was to sit in the front every day so that the teacher always knew I wanted to be there. In most of my classes that effort showed through my grade. I ended up getting a B in Spanish, and I have no idea how that happened. It had to have been the front row luck. So this semester I am making a goal to be more prepared. It seemed like last semester I was doing a lot of things last minute, and although that tends to happen sometimes, it only added to my stress level. Remember, this is a semester full of sanity. Preparedness; that will be my goal. Here goes nothing.