Look what we can Do!

I've been thinking a lot about the strength of numbers because of the prop 8 things we have been doing. Today especially, things have been on my mind. I keep singing the song "Strength in Numbers" that we all sang together in the temple celebration a couple years back, in fact I even got out my temple CD that had the song on it. I guess you could say I've been having some "moments" while awaiting the final vote. So while the words have been running through my head, along with the thought of what would happen if Prop 8 doesn't pass, an even better thought came to my mind. "There's strength in numbers, undivided we will stand, strength in numbers, join the circle, take my hand. We are all enlisted till the conflict is 'or, strength of others, we're stronger when we're more. There's strength in numbers, we will make our voices heard, strength in numbers, as a witness for the word... whenever two or three of us, whenever three or four of us, or many many more of us are gathered in his name, then like a mighty army... like a mighty army... like a mighty army we will ever stand." Here we have all come together to make our voices heard, all together in the name of The Lord. Some might say, if Prop 8 does not pass, that this has all been for not, but I think differently. Here we are fighting for our children, so that they know the sanctity of marriage, but yet we are teaching them in the process. We are teaching them a vital lesson in what it means to have strength in numbers, and to be one in the Lords work. We are teaching them to stand up for their beliefs and to make their voices heard, regardless of what people say. We are teaching to love others through conflict; that just because someone thinks differently, that does not mean they are wrong, we must love them regardless. So while I do hope our efforts will mean something, I think the unity and power of our voices together was such a powerful experience for me. I am so glad that my siblings were a part of this, that they could see the power of numbers, and the power of coming together in the name of the Lord. That alone will always be remembered. 

There's Strength in Numbers

Alone

Sometimes when I am alone, I think about what it must feel like for someone who has no one. I sometimes have no one; when in my car, when laying in bed, when walking around school. But what would it feel like to literally have no one? No one to come home to, no one to laugh with, no one to care if you cry or if you don't. What would it be like to eat alone every single night? How would you express yourself when you don't have anyone who would want to hear you. My thoughts are my worst enemy, but if they were my only someone, what would I think of them? To those of you alone, my heart goes out to you, because right now, sitting in this room, alone, I feel it closing in on me; the silence. Right now I wish I was not alone, and all I have to do is walk outside and then I wont be. So, my heart goes out to you, know that you are never alone with me. I will find you, and keep you company, because to not have company, what would that be like?

PS. Grandpa I got a 92 in my computer course! I have you to thank for most of that!

Tithing

It is late. I've been doing homework for awhile (like 4 hours) so my brain is shot, but a miracle just happened. I do not check my bank account often. I usually have a rough number in my head, and I don't make many purchases so its OK. When I know there are things I need, I will check it and budget accordingly. I haven't checked it in about a week now so I was just curious as to what I have in there still. I have not been a tithe payer. It is just something that is very hard for me, and I am very vocal about it. Everyone has their certain gospel principles that are just difficult to do, and that is mine. A couple months ago I was encouraged to try and pay my tithing... you know.. if I were planning on getting married in the temple soon, that would have to be something I would have to have lived by. So I tried it. Ive been trying it. It was shaky at first, but Ive been doing it for a little over 2 months straight now. With everything I deposit, I take out my tithing automatically and put it in my "tithing envelope" (thanks grandma). So anyways.. about a week has gone by without checking, maybe even more.. I checked it just now and BAM, over $1,000!! I can actually put some in savings! I'm just in awe. Tithing makes money grow. I'm making money off my money with tithing, because there is no way that would have happened without it. Not only can I pay my bills without stress, but I might even get a little treat for myself as well! I stress over money. Like literally money scares me. If there was a phobia of money, I would have it, and that is not an exaggeration. For some reason, whenever a bill comes up, or I know I have to get something, or I don't know, the simplest things, I stress. I get anxiety. I panic. I don't know why... well, I kind of do, but it just happens. With tithing, no stress. With tithing, miracle money. Gosh. This tithing thing is fun.

Save our Environment

We all do what we can to help out our environment...well, at least we try to do something. For some, its recycling, for others, its picking up trash. There always has to be a personal interest in it though, or else you don't find that passion to get it done. I tried the recycling thing, but it was hard without the support of my family. I'm also only good at making sure my personal trash is thrown away, not necessarily others. I want to be in shape however, and have been trying to get back to the gym and get that pattern going. Its hard to get it started, but once I get it going I know it will get easier. As some of you know, I work for Glenn, and he is in the process of moving the business to RSM...literally 10 min. by car. So, with my wanting to help my environment, as well as stay in shape... I purchased the following...

Mine is blue, and yes it has a basket.. I got it at Walmart! This is my new transportation! Yesterday, Camden and I rode to Golden Spoon, and it was SO much fun! Today we are going to ride to CVS! Its such good exercise, and its honestly so nice just peddling along. I'll put some songs on my iPod, put my purse in my basket, and off to work I'll go!

Powerful

This is the CRAZIEST girl EVER! I don't know if you guys have heard of her, but I am so intrigued by her. Her name is Charise, and no, I cannot spell or pronounce her last name. She is from a tiny town in the Philippines, and this is the tape of her on the Opera show. They found her on you tube, and she has now sang with Celine Dion at Madison Square Garden. I am extremely critical of singers, its kind of a fault of mine, but I had nothing bad to say about this sensational voice! She is only 15! This is a strange recording, but it was the best one I could find. There is funny commentary coming from the Filipino family watching it, and they are just literally filming their television set. She is incredible! I had to share her with you! Finally someone to bring some power into the music world! I sure hope she sticks around! 

Unconvetional

I wake up. I rush through a shower, throw on clothes and barely blow dry my hair, resulting in yet another pony-tail... I eat my breakfast in the car, and speed to whatever it is I am doing that day while frantically looking at my clock to make sure I will be on time. I love sleep. These are the problems of loving sleep, but does it make me not love my sleep? Definitely not, but at least I am aware. Awareness tends to be the first step to fixing any problem. Supposedly. I guess you would want the problem to be fixed in the first place, maybe that would help. Anyways.. Today I woke up and laid in bed for awhile, not because of my love of sleep, but more because I didn't want to repeat that same routine. I know I am not the only one who despises repetitiveness. I don't even know if that is a word, I just know I don't like it. Whenever I don't like it, it being anything really, I try to add in something unconventional; something that would somehow liven things up. I'm sure exciting things are coming to your mind, but it doesn't even have to be crazy. I know, I know, unconventional could have many definitions depending on who you are asking. If you ask me, its anything not part of the actual routine.. so here is what I did differently... Today I woke up, laid there for a min, and got out of bed on the left side instead of the right. I jumped in the shower and started soaping my right arm first instead of my left... oh hush, you know you have the same routines in your showers too... I then blew my hair dry before doing my make-up, and actually put on perfume. Instead of opting out of cereal because its hard to eat in the car, I put it in a cup and added an apple to the breakfast as well. Instead of listening to the same talk radio, I sifted through some old Cd's and started dancing to songs that ruled my world at ages 12-15. I got to work, did my thing, and then came home and painted my nails dark blue while watching episodes of Friends. Yes, I laughed out loud. Then the real topper, its 10:15pm and I am actually going to bed. For being such an unconventional day, it actually was really fun. Lets do it again tomorrow. 

I know that it's a Beautiful World

I never know who I tell things, or who I don't, but I have a feeling I never wrote about my Sociology Club. Last semester I discovered Sociology and just feel in love with it. It actually makes perfect sense to me, more so then Psychology. The difference, in my own words, is psychology deals with your brain and how your brain is "supposed" to work. Answers differ depending on who is finding the research, so sometimes I don't find it too reliable. Sociology on the other hand, deals with your environment, how you were raised, who you hang around, your attitude towards others and yourself, etc., and how that affects your personality. It just seems like common sense to me. Anyways... I did really well in the class last spring and about half way through the semester the Professor asked if I would be the President of the Sociology Club on campus, this fall being its first year. She said it would be mine, it would be my ideas, it would be my vision, but she just thought I would be great at it. I decided I would make it a community service club, as well as some sociological aspects, because if we better our environment we can better ourselves. So, this semester is our first go around... I have about 35 members now, and a semester full of community service projects I want us to accomplish. It sounds like a dream come true, but of course there are certain kinks that have to be sifted out every once in awhile. You cant expect everyone who signs up to do something to actually do it, so I guess this is also a life lesson for me; learning that people don't necessarily like helping others all the time. Regardless, its been a lot more work then I thought. Days full of emails to people with the strangest questions, many phone calls to organizations to get our name in there to help out, and time spent getting sponsors because of course we are in a budget crisis (never mind the fact that the other day me and my mom were picking up my brother and they had a brand new bus, brand new!). Anyways.. I dont know what I thought it would be like, and as much as some things have been bugging me lately, it is incredible to be in a position that can actually do some good. No, our little club will not be able to change Orange County, but we can sure try. I planned a big service project for each month and for the month of we are making Halloween bags for the children at a local home called Orangewood, otherwise known as social services. Being a rather determined person, I asked my mom how many bags she thought our club could do, she said 50, I said 200. So far we are pulling it off, with the help of the community of course. My wonderful grandparents agreed to getting the little ones teddy bears, seeing as candy isn't something they can have. For the older ones we are doing bags with lots of candy, cookies donated from Sweet Life, and maybe some glow in the dark necklaces or something. I think it will be a great success, and I am so happy to be able to help these children. There are times where I want to scream at the fact that no one is really helping, and along with school and work and doing hair.. but then I just think about how much this will mean to them. Its just candy, little goodie bags, something so simple.. but yet, they have nothing. I want to go there on Halloween and see their faces, but then again I don't know if I could handle it. I'm a wreck right now and I'm talking to a computer screen, not their sweet faces. I just keep seeing the picture of Jesus in my head, when all the little children are around him. God loves the little children. I'm so grateful to live in a beautiful home, and to be able to learn.. I'm grateful for my family and being blessed to grow up in the church. Its such a beautiful world, and no matter what people say, I will always always believe that. Some call it naive, I call it hope. 

Life Begins

I love when weeks begin and they hold so much promise. It is nice when there isnt a lot going on, but then again I love having plans to look forward to. ABC calls this week "National Stay at Home Week" and I couldnt agree more. I love having my shows back on! No, I am not glued to my television, but it is nice to have a little drama to tune into. So the countdown begins : 3 more days until the world is brighter! GREYS ANATOMY! My mom and I marked it on the calendar just to ensure that we wont have anything else going on. We plan to be in PJ's early, a little something sweet in hand, and our eyes will be glued for the 2 hour premier. So dont call our house! Dont even think about bothering us-because we've been waiting for centuries for our friends to return!

Culture

Culture. I've been thinking a lot about culture. I guess it could be because I have to do a speech on something that represents my culture, and maybe also because we are analyzing American culture in another class. It's just been running through my mind a little, Cultural Norms in particular. A cultural norm... When I first learned what this was, I didn't think it to be that significant, but the more things I add into its category, they more worried I become. Imagine your face if someone whipped out nail clippers and started clipping their nails on the street. It wouldn't be ok because that is just not what we do. Or, imagine your face when you saw a guy holding a purse in the local shopping center. It wouldn't be ok, because that is just not what we do. Imagine your face if someone started singing out loud as they shopped for their groceries, or if in an elevator someone just sat down... these aren't things people do, and if they did, our reactions towards them would make it so they never did it again. These are cultural norms..."normal" (whatever that means) actions within a certain culture. I thought this meant things within the list I just mentioned, you know, silly things that may not harm anyone, but that are socially unacceptable. I never thought to include a major portion of our culture. I never thought to include the word skinny, or a popular brand of jean, or the latest hairstyles. I never thought those things defined us, but guess what, they do. The Skinny society is what we should be called, the society pushing for looks and yet puts no regard to character; probably not even knowing what character really is. I watched a documentary on this in my class yesterday. Marketing, media, sales... If you analyze what they are telling us you would be surprised. We had to look through advertisements and try to get "their message". All I can say is porn. I'm sorry, but its true. I have never seen so many pornographic messages in my life; subliminal messages telling us that skin and "sexiness" means looking like them. We always talked about this in church meetings, but looking at it from a perspective of how it causes social problems...You would be amazed. Take a look at your magazine ads the next chance you get and see what they are telling you about women. They tell you that vulnerability is sexy, that women tied up or beaten or sexually abused.. they tell you that that is sexy, while having you look at the beautiful dress she is wearing. Never mind the fact that she has blood coming out of her mouth and is lying on the floor. In recent studies it shows that girls between the ages of 10-12 fear getting fat when they are older, and girls between the ages 13-15 say they feel better when they are on a diet. I was more concerned with barbies at that age! There was also a study done on a little town in the middle of the amazon, where women relished in their curves and beauty. They didn't care what they ate, they had confidence in who they were and loved themselves. They didn't have media of any kind. A couple scientists went in and gave them televisions and magazines.. within a month there were eating disorders and talk of suicide. I could go on and on about different cases and just personal experience from how its sucked me in, but I have heard complaints about my long entries. I just know that our culture tells us that skinny is the new thing, that having those rock hard abs, being extremely masculine.. these are all things that are "ok"; these are our cultural norms. So, do you sit back and agree? Do you look at the man holding a purse and wonder whats wrong with him? Do you look at the skinny ones and wish to be just like them? Do you see the man with all the muscles and "power" and think that defines masculinity? Or do you wake up thankful that you even have a body? Do you wake up thankful that you have such a powerful mind that gets to think for itself? Do you let yourself define your culture, or do you let your culture define you?

Behavioral Therapy

To a Friend in Need, You know who you are:

Behavioral Therapy. A common man lets his thoughts dictate his behaviors. If you think you don't like the toast you are eating, then you stop eating the toast. If you think about how you don't like reading the book you are reading, then you will put it down. Behavioral therapy is letting your behaviors dictate your thoughts. That same piece of toast, you keep eating it until you like it. That same book, you keep reading until you cannot put it down. Feelings can be decided, actions can be decided... Our behaviors can be taught. If you do not enjoy an area of your life, then you do all the motions that would show someone on the outside that you enjoy it. Then you do, not the first time, but eventually you do start to enjoy it. We should all enjoy life. We should all sift through those thoughts and be more mindful of the behaviors that they produce. Sure, change is a hard road to go on. Yes, some times you cannot see the shimmer that it produces along the way, but that doesn't mean you give up. That doesn't mean that you stop trying. So keep at it, not because you want to, but because you know you should. Soon enough, those behaviors and thoughts become one, and only then can you be happy. There is a quote that comes to mind when thinking about our previous conversation... "A constant struggle, a ceaseless battle to bring success from inhospitable surroundings, is the price of all great achievements." He never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it. So decide what it will be today, will you quit or will you stay? But whichever you decide, make that the one. You cannot go back, you cannot switch your answer, just make that the one. You stay, or you go. Whichever you decide, make those behaviors match and your thoughts will follow. Stop doubting yourself, you know you are capable.

Love, Me.

Thoughts.

I think. A lot. It tends to even drive me crazy. But then there are time, like today, where I hit those moments of clarity. At those moments, all that crazy analyzing of nothingness makes sense. I guess you could say that I am grateful in those moments for my thoughts. Today was an examination of self. I wish I could say I am the type of person to do this often, but in actuality it was a professor who started it all. In discussion we talked about the true definition of self, what we see ourselves as verses what others see us as. We talked about the relation between our interpretation of others reaction to us, and how that would affect our self concept. Then we talked about relationship styles, romantic relationship styles, and how those were formed at birth through our mothers attachment to us. I walked away from this therapy session with way too much to think about, all I knew was that this semester would be a discovery. I will be weaving into parts of my heart that I have closed up for quite awhile, tending to the bruises and cuts that I have acquired over the years but never payed much attention to. I know I will be grateful, I know it will be painful, but to embrace all the catastrophes is to embrace life. If I cannot embrace the pitfalls, then how can I embrace the joy? Yes, this should be interesting.

Who knew!?!?

Yayyy!!! Im Smart!!!!

This summer has been full of hard work for me. You think summers tend to be a break from things, but I actually cannot wait until school starts because that will suprisingly be a bit of a break. Its just that summer is that time you feel you have the extra time, whatever that means. You feel like you can sleep in, and "play". Due to all this extra time you feel you have, at least for me, I tend to fill myself up with extra classes to fill in all that extra time. I mean.. who doesnt want to do that? So I signed myself up for two classes in the summer, already a large undertaking considering the fact that a regular 16-18 week course is being crammed into 6-8 weeks. I took a Sociology course in the beginning of summer, lasting for 8 weeks. Then I took a Math course, my least favorite subject, lasting for 6 weeks. If you think you will have all that extra time that summer gives our generously, think again. It doesnt happen. Between studying and going to classes, which are 4 days a week for two hours.. its just exhausting to be honest. Then I wanted to get a summer job, a more steady paycheck then hair tends to give. My savings account is lacking these days. Its just been a lot of work. I havent gotten home until about 7pm each night because after I would go to school, then I would go to work, and then I would go do hair. Needless to say, I am tired, as usual. People ask why I do this to myself because I know the undertaking before I even sign up, but I just like to be done. I like hard work to pay off. I like the feeling of knowing I am moving forward, and the faster I can move forward the better. People also say that its crazy to go fast because once you get your job you get that for life and things never change. Strange as it seems, I am ready for that. I am ready for the real job, for connecting with patients. I am ready to be successful. I just dont like to waste time. If I can do it now, then why not? Anyways... yesturday was my last day of math! MY LAST MATH CLASS EVER!!!! I was stressing about my final, and I was supposed to get my application in to Indiana earlier this month but I was sure I wouldnt pass math. So I take my test, he said grades would be ready by 5pm, and my friend texted me at about 3pm saying to hurry and check! I was shaking! All I wanted was a C, that was it. I logged on and had to check my grade about 5 times just to make sure I read it right. Not only did I pass math, my worest subject ever... but... I GOT AN A!!!! Do you have any idea what a miracle this is?!?!?! Not only did I take two summer classes, while trying to manage two jobs, but I actually got two A's! And not only did I get passing grades but I can finally read Breaking Dawn!!! The book has been sitting on my dresser staring at me. I havent allowed myself to read it while trying to manage these classes. So wow.. I am smart! Who knew!?!

If you just realize

Usually I have some sort of idea of what I will say before allowing myself to let my mind wander on here. Tonight is an exception of sorts because I just needed to write. There are so many things running through my mind constantly that some times it is just nice to lay them out before me, examine it all, and then let it soak right in again. I look at life through a magnified glass, always examining and looking up close. Always reading into it all to find the real meaning or rather any meaning, because regardless of what anyone might tell you, just know that they don't tell you everything. Just one look on someones face, investigating the lines and real color of their eyes... just one look tells you what they really meant to say. I look at every one like that, and every thing. The world leaves me curious for more. Ive been listening to a lot of songs on my phone recently because my radio has not been working. I don't know how that happens, and I didn't think I was that into it until I don't have music anymore. You can only sing to yourself for so long until it starts to get annoying. Ive had the horrible habit of finding a song and just repeating it over and over until the words roll off my tongue, and then by that point I am so sick of it that I change to a new song and the process begins all over again. Today's song was "Realize" by Colbie Caillat. I don't really know the point of the song to be honest, even after my millions of times repeating it, I am sure that my meaning and the writers meaning are still on different pages. All I know is that it keeps repeating the phrase.. "If you just realize.." I seriously felt like something or someone was slapping me in the face trying to get me to come to terms with something that I was completely unaware of. If I just realize what? So then, of course, my brain started working even faster.. coming up with millions of little treasures that I fail to acknowledge. Millions of tiny little moments that make up me, Elyse, and help me stand taller. It really is a powerful statement if you think this deeply into it, like I am sure no normal human being would. If you just realize what is right in front of you... if you just realize that you are loved... if you just realize that you need 8 hours of sleep a night... if you just realize that math really isn't your strong suit.. if you just realize that one more day in target just might throw your bill overboard... if you just realize that you really don't like nectarines no matter how many times you try and convince yourself that you do... if you just realize that saying you love someone lights up their eyes... if you just realize that once the gas light comes on, you must immediately search for a gas station before that little lever creeps too far... if you just realize that shakes make your stomach hurt no matter how good they taste, the stomach ache just isn't worth it... if you just realize that cars really do need washing... if you just realize that 3 Advil really does make your hands shaky... if you just realize that you're too mean sometimes... if you just realize that the Lord is always with you... if you just realize that love has the power to push away those clouds.. if you just realize that clean sheets really do help you sleep better... if you just realize that it is so simple. If you just realize things do change.. If you just realize you can change. If you just realize the sun always come up brighter the next day. If you just realize, take a look, soak it all in, breath every once in awhile.. life is so exciting. If you just realize flowers smell fantastic. If you just realize, be aware.. because just when you think you've realized it all, something new comes into focus. Just when you think you've got a hold on things, something shifts your balance. Just when you think it cant get any better, it does.

Angry that things are good?

I write to you in the most vulnerable of times... when I should be in bed. For some reason the most thoughts come to me at this time, mainly because this is when the events of my day play before me in a slide show manner. Some times there are things that didn't catch my eye at first, but in the replay seem to mesmerize me. This isn't just a nighttime experiment, because throughout my day I like to play back events. I am not sure if its because I enjoyed the moment, or rather just to see if I handled myself correctly. I'll play back a conversation over and over to see if there was a tone I didn't catch, or a look I should have given. It sounds neurotic, and yes it is, but its actually really comforting to me. It allows me the time to improve on things, pick and choose what will carry with me I guess. Anyways.. tonight's slide show is leaving me with nothing but tears and confusion. Just when I thought it was all figured out, I had to be blindsided. Had I played back my day today in the form of what I thought would have happened, what really happened is nowhere near that. You would think I would be excited, or comforted, or just peaceful, but the breeze and enjoyment that I had today is making me angry. I'm just angry that it had to be good because it being bad is something I'm used to, something I could rehearse reactions to in the car drive, or something I could replay knowing the outcome... good, good things, those don't seem to be part of my vocabulary with my Dad. I went to see him and his family, my family, today. I even brought my little sister from this side, a merging of families that I have always been anxious about, and everything was fine. "Fine is never good" as Collin would put it, but in this instance it is. I got hugs. I got laughs. Jokes that would have stuck with me for days brushed off my shoulders with a smile. I drove home and immediately called Collin because I had no idea how to handle it, not that he would know either, but he was just as shocked. I found myself planning more outings, playing out in my mind how I could be more available.. maybe more emails, maybe more phone calls, maybe a game night, maybe maybe maybe.. then it dawned on me that he wouldn't be thinking the same things. They would be plans without a date. But I still wanted to put in that effort. Can you see how I would be angry right now? Crying my eyes out? Where is the balance? Where can I find the common ground of hating and loving him at the same time. Where can I find the common ground of having him in my life, but not. Where can I find the common ground of putting in effort, but not enough to exhaust me. I thought I had it all figured out. I really thought I did. I just didn't know that I missed them. I didn't think you could miss people you hate. Hate is a strong word, I guess it would be more appropriate to say that I hate what this has done to me. This week has already been a difficult one for me, that this isn't what I wanted to deal with. I need balance to feel whole. I almost need one of those play books that they use in sports, one that tells me exactly which moves to make with some positives and negatives as to previous outcomes; trial runs if you will. I've never been good at gambling, and lately I feel like I am playing the lottery for my happiness. I just hope that this round I get lucky. I just also have to say that I am grateful for Collin. Tonight I burst into tears, poor guy thought I was happy with the scenario today and then all the sudden i just start bawling saying that I'm angry. Sometimes I just don't make sense, and trust me, even to me this does not make sense. Angry that things were good? But as always, he just let me cry it out and held me in the process. Always the best kind of medicine. It definitely is a comfort to know that he is always there for me. He kept reassuring me tonight that regardless of where anyone stands, he will always be on my side. It just means a lot to me because tonight I felt alone, not knowing what to think or feel, feeling crushed at the thought that I really did have things figured out, only to look up and know that he is always right beside me. I love him so much. He is my best friend and always knows the right things to say to me, even if it is to say nothing at all. I don't ever know how he does it, it is like that scary intuition that ghost whisperers would have. He even knows when I'm going to cry, like the moment I even think about crying. Supposedly my chin twitches? Wow, and I know that its way too late when I look up and Star Trek is on...

Let's believe in Music

I don't have a lot to say right now, but I just wanted to come on here and write something regardless of not knowing what I will say. If you've also been reading the blogs of family then you already know that this weekend was quite the adventure for me. I don't even have words to describe what an experience it was. I went to a singing competition, in hopes of winning a spot on an upcoming CD within the LDS music world. I went in thinking they would just say I had a nice voice or something, but what came of the trip was not at all what I was expecting. Music is in my blood. Music has pulled me through many life experiences. Music completes my testimony. Its a very rare thing for people to have something so meaningful to them in their lives, but to also be blessed with the talent to share it with others. I never thought I was one of those people. I knew I could sing, I just didn't know where my voice stood in the world. I have never had any one really comment on it other than family. I wanted so badly for this past weekend to be that point where I knew which road to take, and I knew that once I got home I would put whatever plans together to make that happen. I was ready to make music a part of my world for good, and I was also ready to put it in the back of my mind. Needless to say, my dreams came true. Someone of great importance within the LDS music world actually loved my voice. Someone who hears people sing daily actually gave me compliments that left me speechless. I never thought dreams actually could be a reality for me, as stupid as that sounds. I just know how hard it is within the music world, and so I was ok with it just always being a dream. Well, I thought I was ok with that. After getting a tiny taste of it all this past weekend, I've been bitten with the bug. So I was sitting in work today, back to the mundane every day life, and for a while I felt like the weekend was just a dream again. I got really discouraged that I might actually not be able to touch it again. Driving home I just realized that life is all about decisions, just as a previous entry says about deciding to be happy. I can decide whether it happens or not. I can decide what my future holds. No, there are some things that just cant work out no matter what my decision is, but this is something where I hold the keys. This is something where I make the move. These comments and encouragement from a man whose seen it all, lite a fire within me that only I can burn out. I can chose which way to take this... and I'm choosing to move forward. I'm choosing to make this dream of mine as much of a reality as I can possibly make it. I believe in music. I believe I can actually make a difference. I believe in me.

This is the song that I recorded while in Utah this past weekend.

Let's hope it was good enough to help me win!

Practice Happiness

As I mentioned before, a fetish is something that you just have to have. Something that brings you joy when other things don't. I am a person who needs that joy in life. Well, everyone should want joy in their lives, but I have to have it in order to feel even the least bit of motivation to get out of bed. I am certainly pessimistic by nature. When a situation is put in front of me, I automatically think of everything that could possibly go wrong. But I have certain things that I do that I know for a fact will get me out of these moods I can sometimes get caught in. Depression is the simple way to put it, but I don't really like that word. I just like to think of these moods as a slight set-back to what could be a great day. There isn't anything that causes these moods except my thoughts. They are my worst enemy. They leave me feeling worthless, unimportant, ugly... It gets really bad sometimes. Today was kind of like that I guess. It wasn't that my thoughts were taking over completely, like they can do. It was just that I needed a little boost. I was feeling slightly like a failure, and for no reason, and rather than just tell myself that I am not, I have to really dive into the thoughts and find their origin. If I don't, they take over. If I don't, it carries to the next day. If I don't, feelings of failure just linger, and who wants that? So the only place to go, my little fetish of sorts that pulls me out slowly... the self-help section of Borders. I sit there for hours just reading little bits of books that pop out to me, books that are addressing whatever it is causing me pain. It seems stupid, and time consuming.. but its amazing. Yes, I can joke about it, because self-help books are the brunt of many jokes I am fond of... but they also give me just what I am looking for. Its my niche. You are probably envisioning my room, and the amount of self-help books I should own at this point, because I am a regular at Borders.. but envision no more because I never purchase. You heard me, I never purchase. I sit for hours reading whatever chapter I feel I need, and then the book goes back on the shelf. There are days, like today, when I think someone will come up and threaten that I have to buy the book.. I don't know what I will do when that actually does happen. They probably know me by now, so they don't even bother. If, for my family out there, you are thinking this is a new thing for me, think again. I go to the far left corner of Borders more than I care to admit. Anyways.. I was there today for a couple hours browsing the topic I needed reassurance on, and I came to a great sentence.. it was in a Dr. Laura book. I am a big fan of hers. There is something about listening to her show and just realizing that you aren't the only one with problems, or even that there are people far more screwed up then you are, and I somehow find comfort in that.

"It's just that nothing, no one, no thing, will ultimately make you happy unless you learn the fine art of appreciation and gratitude for what you have, for what he or she has to offer, for the opportunities for giving, and for life itself." -Dr. Laura

I'll let it speak for itself, and it certainly spoke to me. Not because I didn't know it already, because in church I feel that this is taught often, but because sometimes it needs to hit me in the face. Sometimes, and maybe this is why I love these kinds of books.. but sometimes I just need solid reminders. I need the words on the paper, I need those calm peaceful feelings of encouragement after prayer, I need those smiles telling me I can do it.. because life is hard. Life is hard. It is hard for me to get up every morning happy. It is hard for me to look at life and think of all the wonderful possibilities. It is hard for me to look within myself and find beauty. It is hard for me to constantly know I am worth something. I need the reassurance.. I need the encouragement. And though self-help books can be corny and repetitive.. they are encouragement. They get me smiling. They are always believing in me, regardless of the fact that I am probably the only person on the planet who treats them like real people. Maybe that's why I love them so much, because they are real people to me. They are actually standing there cheering, and patting me on the back. No, it isn't anything different from what my religion teaches me. And yes, I look to God for encouragement often. My faith makes up the rest. My faith steps in when self-help books cannot, and self-books cant a lot of the time. At this point, I'm sitting here wondering why I am saying this. I cant figure out the point of this entry. I cant even figure out why I felt the need to tell you this, of all things. I just.. I sometimes get down, as I am sure all of us can, and its just nice to have things in life to help that. There was a point when I thought there was nothing. Its such a comfort to be able to fix these moods of mine. Its such a comfort, and a powerful thing to be able to change my attitude. We always hear that we are capable, that we are in control.. but to actually experience that. To feel like a completely lost cause, and then be able to change that, what a powerful feeling. I am so grateful that I can pull myself out.. I am so grateful that I have tools in life to help me make the most out of my time here, whether that be prayer or self-help books.. I am just grateful. I have been blessed with a wonderful mind that can think and feel and ponder for itself, now I just have to utilize it to better my attitude. I have to really make the most of these thoughts of mine, and change myself for the better. I don't expect this to be an overnight thing, as most, if not all, change is, but it starts now.. because I want to put in motion something I hopefully will figure out at some point. I want to start changing now, so that this slow re-molding of my mind will constantly be working, constantly be changing. I don't even think this change could be complete in one lifetime, but I can try. I have the power to change my thoughts. So here's to the start of practicing my happiness.

Here I am again

Yes yes its been awhile! But I have all finals underway, and I'm even a little into my online class for the summer. I just feel like things are a little more controllable, therefore allowing me to blog. I got really good grades this semester, which makes me so happy, especially when there were two classes I was sure I wouldn't pass. For some reason Spanish is just way hard for me, so thankfully I got a C, and man that was an incredibly hard C. And then there's math... math always seems to hold a sore spot with me, so that was another one where I shouted for joy for the C. It was my second time taking that course and so I am glad to be rid of it! Only one more math to go! English A, Geography B, Sociology A, Pilates A, Yoga A... if I didn't get A's in the last two I think there would seriously be something wrong with me... But overall I am thoroughly pleased with how the semester turned out.

Fetishes. They are so funny. Each person has specific things too, which I find so strange. It's there one avenue in life that they don't ever care about.. Its that one category where the dollar amount doesn't really matter. I think everyone should have that category. Yes, budget budget budget.. but there should always be something that just makes you smile. With that definition in mind though, I think a fetish could be anything really.. not necessarily something materialistic. Like maybe just making your kids laugh when you tickle them. Yes, that certainly can be a fetish. Or every day needing to help at least one person, make at least one persons day. I think that could be a fetish. I discovered today, not that I never knew it but it just came to my attention, that target is a huge fetish of mine. I invited a dear friend to walk target with me today, and while we meandered up and down the aisle I just started laughing. Who invites their friend to walk target? I don't know, it just seemed like the strangest thing to do. We then went to Borders because that is her fetish. We just sat in the magazine isle looking at all the wedding things. You laugh, but it was very entertaining. PS. If I see another tube top wedding dress I might vomit, they seem to think that's the one style that looks good on everyone.. trust me, its not. So yes, Target is my fetish. But then I would also have to say face wash. Another strange one yes, but I for some reason just love trying new face washes. I ask everyone what their face wash of choice is too, hoping that maybe I'll find one to stick with. Maybe I just need to own the fact that I just like to wash, and not try so hard to be exclusive with one product. I honestly could wash my face more than I do my hands. I just love it for some reason. So there, there are a few of my fetishes... target is a little broad of a fetish, but its a fetish just the same, and face wash. Fetishes are just so strange.

Progress

So, yesterday wasn't as bad as it usually is. I went out to my Dads house to do Shavauns hair, and to be honest, if you don't mind me bragging, it was my best work yet. We laughed, we had good conversation.. i did incredible hair.. so my whole letting it all go thing really payed off. I got extremely nervous for a couple minutes before we got there, but through Collins breathing exercises (haha not really, but close) I got control of myself. This letting go thing works for me. I think I'll keep it up.

Its funny because I think my mom knows more about me now that she reads this blog, then I think she did before. Not that we don't talk, but I tend to pour everything out on here. I tend to be extremely vulnerable in this space of mine. Yes, I could walk in the other room and tell her how I feel, but I tend to be better at writing these things down. Hi Mom. I wanted to say thank you for your comment. Yes, technically you were involved in the mess otherwise known as divorce. I don't blame you though. I never have. I bet its hard, standing and watching, but you have stayed in my life, and that is doing more than I could ask for. I appreciate your absence from this, because its caused me to deal with it head on, making me more able to deal with whatever comes next. I appreciate your willingness to make me feel like I have a home. I don't regret the situation. I don't regret what happen at all, because this is for me to deal with. This is my trial. This is my growth. This is just a bumpy road to my perfection (however close i can be to that). I haven't even begun to see the results this will have on me, but I am starting to see the miracles its creating within me. I could not grow without this. So I thank you, because for me, this is just part of the masterpiece I call my life. This is just a puzzle piece that has to be sanded down in order to fit, and its really close to fitting. I love you.

Today I had to teach in Relief society. I taught about the gifts of the spirit and their importance. How you get them, how you keep them, how every has ones unique to their lives, and how some times you don't even know they are there until someone points them out. I realized while teaching that I have the gift of knowledge. I couldn't be going through this adventure without that special gift from the spirit, and I know it was through the spirit that I even obtained the gift in the first place. After the lesson I was thinking about a friend of mine who is going through a hard time right now. It just came to me that he is developing special spiritual gifts through this trial, and he wouldn't be able to get them without the hardship. I texted him my thoughts because I was hopeful they would help. You know those times when things come out of your mouth, and the minute that are out you realize it was really meant for you? This was one of those times. It just hit me that through my trial concerning my dad, I am gaining precious spiritual gifts that I wouldn't be able to obtain without the hardship. I think that's why they say to be grateful for your trials, because you grow and learn so much, just about yourself. It makes letting go so much easier, knowing and examining those spiritual gifts I am developing. I couldn't tell you what they are, but I am more aware of their existence. So thank you hard times, you give me grief, but you give me gifts as well.

Yoga

Before I start on this new thought process, I thought I should warn all those reading that yes, this is how I truly think, and yes, this is me. I don't over exaggerate, I don't try and please you with my extreme thoughts. I just like to tell you how I feel, in hopes that maybe it will help you to really think about how you feel. Feelings are such a funny notion; full of complications and confusion. But when sifted through correctly, can lead you to incredible growth that you could have never envisioned for yourself. So yes, I am for real, and even though this is a computer and I cant really see your face, I can imagine the eyes rolling, or the bewildered look of confusion when trying to place these words with my body, but to those looks I say, welcome. Welcome to my thoughts, welcome to my weird sense of being, welcome to my feelings. Welcome.

Yesterday was my last day of yoga for the semester. We had a little "end of the year" party in which we were all to bring some form of healthy food. It was quite the party, full of vegan cheesecake, humus, and fruit. You couldn't calm us down! Vegan cheesecake is actually quite good. Humus... it was ok. Anyways, we brought in our food, and sat in a circle, and while we ate we shared our stories. We were supposed to share how yoga has changed us. Change isn't something you can really pinpoint with me. Change for me, is something that I realize while looking back on my actions. I don't realize it in the moment of change, mainly because my change tends to be a process. Its a process of little growth here and there. So then I have these moments of clarity where I look back at all those little actions and just smile at the finishing product they have formed, not knowing they were even trying to create a picture in the first place. My job was to find those tiny pieces inside of me that had changed in a matter of minutes. It wasn't easy, because quite frankly, its yoga. Yes, I feel less stressed, more flexible, I'm able to breath deeper, but... nothing life altering. Each person said there little bits of their stories as we went around the circle, nothing overly exciting was coming into the conversation, except for this one older woman. She wasn't in our usual class. She happened to be visiting by for a yoga class not knowing that it was our last day. At least she got some free food with it all. I could tell by the looks of many of the students in there, that they weren't too thrilled about her 5 minute speech, maybe even longer. I'll admit I wasn't too thrilled about it either, with her occasional story of her broken arm, and then her husbands death, it didn't seem too relevant. I nodded and smiled to let her know I was listening, when I really wasn't, until then all the sudden a bunch of my little pieces were pulling themselves together with her words. She talked about change in the most beautiful way. She said that though yoga can make you more flexible in your body, it has made her more flexible in her mind, helping her to sift through her thoughts and judge them for their relevance. She talked about being able to go to a different area of her mind when she didn't want those thoughts, and how helpful that has been through her trials. She also talked about letting things go, that through writing your thoughts and feelings down, you can properly let them go. You don't have to think about them anymore because you know they are written somewhere for safe keeping; no longer are you a slave to them. I found all this very powerful. I found it something I needed to hear.

Yoga has certainly given me a flexibility in my thoughts, just as that woman was saying. No, I am not the most peaceful person, but since Christmas I can see a big change. It has helped me to know where thoughts should go. Sometimes thoughts aren't needed, and I know how to get rid of them. Sometimes thoughts are inappropriate and can lead to disastrous things. At times my brain can go faster than I can catch it, first starting with I need to go to target to get face lotion, and then somehow ending in how bad my skin is and I wish it would go away because with bad skin people stare at it, and then oh that person cut me off while I was driving to school, to I need to do all that homework and if I don't I will fail and get kicked out of college and if I get kicked out... It all isn't needed, and look how fast it can get out of control. Yoga taught me to calm my thoughts, to keep them in check, deciding what is needed at the moment and what can wait till later. No, I haven't mastered it yet, but I am at least aware of it, slowly getting better each day. My thoughts can be my biggest enemy at times, taking me places only to go against myself. Its a constant battle to keep those things in check. Its a constant battle to keep my thoughts from taking over. The more I can control them, the more I know about myself. So, this should take awhile.

I should have caught her name. I wish I would have at least payed attention to this woman long enough to catch her name because she taught me a precious lesson in her little yoga speech. She taught me the ability to let go. That through writing my feelings down, I don't have to hold it in any longer, and those feelings can no longer control me. So here it goes, I am finally letting go...

I say to every one that my Dad doesn't bother me anymore, and yes that's true. There are things that don't bother me, but I still hold it with me every day. I push my feelings below the surface, but then when I hear from him, it brings those feelings up again and I have to deal with it all over. This weekend. Shavaun wants me to do her hair for prom. I'm bringing Collin, hes my security blanket. All those feelings have come rushing back and I cant do it anymore. I don't want to hate him anymore, and I don't want to hate the fact that he doesn't try. He doesn't try, nothing more to it, nothing I can do to change that, nothing that I didn't do. He doesn't try. I cant blame him, I bet its hard being a parent from a distance, and I wish him all the luck to his children that are with him. I know he's a good dad with them, it just hasn't worked out for me. It is too much energy, energy that emotionally I cant deal with any longer. I want him so badly, and I have always wanted him. Its like that ridiculous notion of wanting what you don't have, but how can you want what you don't have when you never had it? Trust me, it doesn't make sense to me either.. but I did have him. I don't know what changed, and I go through it in my mind every time all these feelings come rushing back.. But it cant be me anymore. Yes, I have changed and I have grown.. yes, I have changed, but I will not blame myself for this change. I will take credit for all of my growth, but I wont blame myself for this. The problem is, is that every time I know I am going to see him, I get this feeling that maybe when he sees me, he will realize how much he misses me and he will change. Maybe just seeing me after its been so long will do the trick. Then I see him, and usually the first thing said is "you never come see me," and that's when the hurt hits me right in the gut, making me feel like I'm the one who has changed. That its my fault things aren't better. I cant do that to myself anymore. He has affected my ability to trust men, and that needs to stop. I need to stop blaming Collin for things he has done, and start blaming him. No, I wont hate him, but I cant like him. I will always love him, but out of respect. When I see him I will smile and hug, and reminisce on old times, times that were good while they lasted. I cant change him, I can only change myself, and part of a huge change for me is having the ability to let go. I haven't thought I could do it. Its almost like holding onto all the hurt made it better, and easier to deal with. While I stored it away in my mind I felt closer to him, when really it was pulling me away from myself. I have held on to all of this for so long that I don't know what I will do without it, and even now I am crying because I know what I have to say next. I didn't know this would be so hard..... but I am finally letting go...

Rituals

There are rituals in life. Things that make us comfortable. Things that no matter what changes in life, you know they will always be the same. I don't care how adventurous of a person you are, there is always room for comfortable things, and you have them, you know you do. Some times you create rituals and you don't even realize it until one day you are a little gloomy and then all the sudden you realize this said thing makes you feel better. This is where Yogurtland comes into my life, along with Dr. Laura. Say what you will, but the woman is incredible. And yes family, I am a trader, I am obsessed with Yogurtland. Today I realized that it has been a regularity in my life for about a week now, so odd. I get in my car on a Tuesday or Thursday, when I can catch Dr. Laura for more than 10 min., and then I go to Yogurtland. Not only is the ritual Yogurtland with Dr. Laura, but its the same exact flavors every day. How could I be eating the same exact thing and not even realize it till now? So I get the Yogurt, drive home, sit in my driveway, and eat while feeling comforted by the fact that some people have many more issues than me, or just that some people are very funny. So yes, this is my ritual and I love it. I didn't know that I loved it until I realized I had been doing it for a week, but I love it.

Now.. Meet my future... Yes, I call this piggy my future because he holds all the coins that will make me money, and who doesn't want something like that?? I have had a fascination in piggy banks for awhile, I don't know why I like them or what it is about them that is so great. I mean, they hold coins, big deal. For some reason though I think they are the cutest things ever, and to hold my change.. what an honor to have something that trustworthy. I will rub him for good luck, even though I don't really believe in that and think that its all in our heads, but still he will be good luck. Yes, I painted him. Yes, putting money in him will hopefully become a ritual of mine, and one that I enjoy.. and the reason he is considered a he because he is covered with polka dots of pinks and purple? I have no idea. My money Ritual.

Some rituals are funny. Some you expect to happen, which are the funny ones to me. Its the things in life that you do because you know it will be a certain way, and then when its not it freaks you out. For instance my discovery of chocolate covered pretzels. Who invented those beauty's? Gosh they are so fabulous I cant stand it. But they confuse me, they really do confuse me. I know what chocolate is supposed to taste like because its sweet and creamy. It tastes good. I have always been a little questionable toward chocolate covered things though because why combine it when the original is so tasty? It just seems like such a waste. My mouth is also one that doesn't like the combination of flavors. I am the annoying dinner guest that goes around and eats every item on my plate separately. The only things I combine are meats with a little potato on it, other than that, they are supposed to be enjoyed individually. So no, combinations are not my favorite things in the world. My mouth gets confused on what its supposed to taste more, till it just tastes like nothing. Then there is pretzels, which are good, I don't mind them. They aren't the first thing I would grab when entering the pantry, but I would take them when offered. They are salty and crunchy and good. I don't mind them. Especially the stick ones, you could eat hundreds and not know a difference, they just go in so fast its incredible. So I tried the combination a couple days ago. The chocolate covered pretzel. I popped it into my mouth and it was heaven. I had no idea what was going on, salty sweet salty sweet sweet salty. It was like a mixture of everything holy. The crunch, the salt, the chocolate. Genius. Pure Genius is the chocolate covered pretzel. This is added to my ritual list. Most certainly a part of my days now.

Defining Beauty

Today in Sociology we had a great discussoon. It is something that gets me more than I care to admit, and I would like to assume that it gets everyone sucked in at times. Lets all just admit that we do because that would make me feel so much better. I have a horrible habit of getting sucked in at times. I, more than most, look at those smaller, taller, more pretty, smarter... all I can seem to think is would I want to be them? Not, I want to be them, but would I want to be? I honestly cant say that I ever know the answer to that question.. even now, with a clear head, I have no idea. I just know that on some days it would be nice. So you can imagine how much this video touched me because it displayed what every one knows but tends to forget some times. What is beauty? What do I consider to be beautiful? Not what the media and others have told me, but me, just me. What do I consider to be beautiful? My sociology teacher is an amazing women, who has pushed me to really think about where I stand on things. She literally walked into the class, played these movies, and then said "What do you think?" We all just stared at her for awhile, but it was an incredible discussion. Incredibly interesting. So please watch and I'll pose the question to you too, "What do you think?"

Writing You

I find it funny that most the time when I come on here to post it is because I am sitting at my computer ready to do homework. I get all my supplies out, and I open up a Word document, then somehow this is where I come next. Odd how that works. Today my assignment is a photo project. Don't even worry, I already complained about the relevance this project would have in a COLLEGE level course. I somehow feel as if I am in seventh grade again, but I guess its the points that matter. He really didn't appreciate my complaint either, so you can imagine how somehow I wound up in the back of the classroom. I feel like the back can be interpreted many ways. There are those that go back there to get away from the eyes of the professor, not knowing that the back is where he will look the most because he knows they think that. There are those who sit in the back because they don't read the assignment and want to bypass the whole questionnaire that might come if called on. Again, they somehow forget that the professor knows this too and will purposely call on them. Then there is me...I don't know what category I fit into, I just know that I voice my opinions too much in there and decided that I should go to the back to distract me from saying whats on my mind. It sounds stupid because you are probably thinking that college classrooms are for opinions, but see I tend to comment on personal life things.. you know, things you should just pretend you agree with in order for the professor to like you. Things like maybe their obsession with Rum, and how they manage to bring it into every lecture in a geography class and how that is only encouraging students to think that drinking is acceptable in a learning environment. Of course, I am only speaking of example, wouldn't that be crazy if I really said that?... and please don't answer that question. Today. Today nothing really happened that would make it stand out from any other day. I think that's why I liked it. I like days where everything is just simple, and you smile at people walking, and you feel good about it just being simple. I like simple. You know, simple that doesn't involve cutting and pasting photos together with descriptions on why the mountains in them formed. You know, simple things other than that. Actually, I feel I made a lot of progress today. For one thing, my laundry doesn't really need to be done, and my room is actually clean. That helped in my thoughts, gave me liberty to fill that area with things that interest me more than housework; namely my books. (And by the way, I really enjoy the word "namely" because it makes me feel like whatever comes after it is going to be so important that people might pause at the "namely" and think wow, whatever is coming next must really be great.)I was reading in my car, as I always do when I arrive at school early on purpose so that I can do just that, and I was enjoying my book just as much as ever when a thought crossed my mind. A thought I really really liked, and one that is still exciting even when its been hours from thinking it. I need to start writing. I need to start writing. I have such a passion for it, and ideas are constantly flowing through my mind. Constantly coming and going, and how amazing would it be if those crazy thoughts actually meant something to someone. How amazing to have all those little thoughts and pieces of thoughts, all pulled together to form a story that people might actually remember and appreciate. I definitely want to at least, at the very least, be appreciated by one person. Even then I have it covered because I know for a fact my Grandma would read it, whether it was out of obligation to her favorite grandchild or out of love for my story, who really cares. At least I would get one sold. So yes, I am going to start a story. Now you ask, what will your story be about? I thought about this a long time in my car this morning, and all throughout my many miles of hiking around campus.. I don't know if I have a solid idea yet because things will continue to come to me and I will mold it into whatever has come before it, but I think I will write about me. Selfish maybe? Yes, very selfish, and no it wont be about me really, but I most certainly want it to be in the first person. I want her to be speaking to the reader so that they feel they really know her. They should feel like she is sitting right by them making them laugh and cry along with her. So no, not really me, but I will become whoever I will write about, so that I know what they feel and what they would say. I want her to be average, just like how blogs work. Just someone who doesn't feel anyone is listening, but yet everyone is. Someone who just writes to write and just tells stories to tell stories. Someone who isn't important in the world, or at least doesn't believe they are, but who is all too important to the world in their beautifully simple dialect. I want her relationships with others to be important, because isn't that what life is about? Relationships? Learning and growing and getting to know yourself through learning about others. So I want her to grow. I want her to be different at the end of the story to teach progress in character. To teach people that you can change if you want to. Maybe she'll start off completely hopeless, maybe that would make her change more meaningful. I want her to be emotional. Not overly emotional, like crying every second, or overly intense. I just want her to be real. To feel exactly what she should be feeling, none of this overly exaggerated fairytale stuff that makes people wish they were someone else. I want them to love who they are. I want her to love who she is, and be really confident in it. Yes, there should be some sort of plot to the entire thing, but I think it will just be with who she meets and what they bring into her life. Something meaningful. Something real. So... as if that's not a lot to live up to, I will start working on it right away, just jotting down things here and there when they come to me. I'll let you have a sneak peak once I get a good amount down. Gosh.. now off to homework.

He knows

There are days when the most interesting thoughts come to my mind. I just sit and laugh, thinking that if anyone were to listen in on these thoughts, I think they would question their friendship with me, or rather my sanity. I personally don't even know how some get there, they are just there, and then I cant erase them because they are just too clever to be erased. I need to start writing in here every day so that I definitely make sure you know every thought that goes on in this head of mine. I think your perception of me would change drastically, and I cant help but think how funny that would be. I am currently reading a book that embodies this very notion. I feel like she writes exactly what she is thinking, which makes me love her so much more than most authors. I can sense exact sarcasm, and humor, and sadness.. she makes everything so clear and funny, gosh she is so funny. Maria de los Santos. She's written two books so far and I just cant get enough of them. Its not that the story line is the most compelling thing I have ever read, although it is good and entertaining, but she just makes it so real. I don't ever feel like I'm reading about some fantasy world I can never be part of, its just real people doing funny mundane things. Clever, she is just so clever. Anyways, why I'm speaking of her? I just want to be that clever, and on a more selfish note I think that I am, I just have to voice my cleverness more. Yes, I'll admit I can be selfish, at least I'm woman enough to admit it.

Lots of things have been happening in my life that I have made little notes about in previous entries. Yes, I didn't get into UCI which was a very big disappointment, not because of the caliber of the school, but just because it was a disappointing event. I just didn't have another plan at the time, which made it disappointing, and stressful to then quickly come up with a plan. I did find one however, one that makes me grateful for the decline of my application. Its funny how those things work, because that happens to me so much. I get all into an idea, and then it doesn't work out, only to find a new idea that makes me wondering why I was so caught up in the first idea.. new ideas are always so much better. Anyways.. I will complete this next year at Saddleback, resulting in 90 units where I will then transfer to an online program through Indiana University. Its a program where you only have to complete another 30 units, consisting of about 10 classes, and they are all online, helping you to get your Bachelors in General Studies. No, its not English like I wanted, but we don't always get what we want. I am actually looking forward to the general studies mainly because through learning about sociology and psychology, I don't really want to limit myself to one thing. And hey, who actually looks at the actually degree anymore? I just want to be a Teacher, and this lets me still be a teacher, so I am happy. This also gives me the opportunity to get a full time job, seeing as everything is online. This helps greatly with my future plans... and that's all I will say on that one.

Yes, I have to keep writing because I don't write often and I like to fit all my thoughts in, it feels nice to just get them out. I've been struggling lately with my church attendance. Its just hard for me to get myself motivated to be there when I feel there is no reason for me to be. I know Sacrament is important, but its all the other stuff that has really been a struggle to sit through. I know that has everything to do with my attitude, and how I approach Sundays, but its just been hard. If I am not teaching then I leave after sacrament. Collin and I recently had a conversation about this and decided we should just stay and try and have a better attitude about it and see what happens. I went to church today with somewhat of the same attitude, I was just more aware of the times I was bored. I cant say that anything was strikingly different about church, but I did however take away something today, whereas that hasn't been happening. You have those moments when you just know something, its through the spirit that that one prayer is answered in the most clear way. I had that happen to me 3 years ago, a feeling I will never forget. The problem was, ever since that feeling I have been praying to know that same answer. I have been questioning and searching for more confirmation on it. I haven't ever forgot that moment, but I have continued to question. No answers have come since then. Yes, good feelings.. yes, slight assurance.. but never that strong again. You can imagine how frustrated I have become, and how crazy it has been making me.. thinking maybe that wasn't what I thought, or maybe He was lying, maybe maybe maybe.. what if what if what if. The worst words ever invented. I was sitting in gospel essentials today discussing prayer. A girl in the class retold a story of her impression to move to St. George. She said she didn't know why, she just knew that she had to go and then she would know the why once she got there. She frantically searched for the whys and doubted and question till finally she just went, and two weeks later met her husband. She said she should have been grateful that she didn't need to do the work. She just got the impression and acted on it, but she didn't need to search it out. Heavenly Father just gave her the answer, and she just continued to doubt by searching for the reasons. That just hit me so strongly, and I realized that I need to just be grateful for not needing to do the work. I should be grateful that He trusts me that much to give me such a powerful impression.. and I have only doubted with question upon question. He is probably looking down on me saying "Lady I told you the answer, what more do you need?" I don't need more.. That impression was strong enough to last a lifetime, and I got the answer I needed then that continues helping me now, if only I will let it. I just have to remember that and not question Him so much. So yes, I will be attending all hours of church now because that answer alone meant more to me than anything right now. It was exactly what I needed; He knew exactly what I needed.

How did I know?

I've been thinking a lot about things people say for encouragement. It is like they don't know what exactly to do, so they always tell you something positive. It is supposed to be that one thing that miraculously changes your way of thinking because we all know that's what they want to happen once it leaves their mouth. I've found this to be a common occurrence with my pending acceptance to UCI. The min I release the information that I am planning on attending I get nothing but excitement, and then when I admit that I don't think it will happen, another round of excitement follows with reassurance that I might be the one to break the chain of failure. Funny thing is, I never believe them. These encouragements are their funny little way to get around the disappointing fact that I just might be the one person to not get in. And yes, you guessed it, I didn't get in. I cant say that I am disappointed because Ive had this feeling lately telling me that it was coming, so it really is no surprise to me. The surprise to me is that while this feeling has been hovering, I have constantly had the fear that I had no second plan, but yet I haven't done anything to change that. I have no idea what my second plan is. I'm obviously stuck at Saddleback for another year where I continue to try and motivate myself that its better training, regardless of the fact that I will never come to believe that. I was thinking about running for President of the Sociology club at Saddleback, a course that I have become quite interested in, a course in which the Professor respects my opinions more than I think she should because sometimes even I don't understand what comes out of my mouth. I just thought that maybe that club could be what sets me apart, because we all know that college acceptance is all about what makes you different from the next person in line. I don't know what to do. I know that the min I tell Collin about this he will insist on appealing it, explaining that there has to be something that is wrong. Sometimes he believes in me more than anyone ever will. Maybe that's the one thing that really sucks about this situation. Yes, I said it, this situation really bites. I think, even though I expected this to happen, but I think what bothers me most is that I have worked my butt off for this moment. I have done nothing but school, piling on the units as if that will make me appear more intelligent. I have put forth what I considered to be my best effort, but on paper that effort is nothing. On paper that effort is flat, just like the paper itself. Nothing jumps out but someone who worked way too hard. So much for encouragement. So what was supposed to be that celebratory moment, sure as heck isn't. All those comments of excitement fell on deaf ears, because I think I even knew then that they were all full of crap. People just say things to avoid moments like this one where the other person does nothing but complain, leaving the listener to daydream about all the places in the world they would rather be, every place but listening to the complainer. Yes, I am the complainer. Here's to whatever plan I end up coming up with.. and now I have to tell everyone what I was desperately hoping I was wrong about. I really wanted to make it this time. I don't understand why this always happens to me.

On my knees

In life we have special moments. Moments where you feel nothing but gratitude for the cards you have been dealt. Moments where you look around and you just see nothing but beauty. Moments when you suddenly realize you've been wrong about something, or moments where you realize you've been right. They are those special little moments that cause for celebration of some sort. Some celebration of life, or of love, or maybe just the blessing of family. For me, they cause me to just sit and stare at absolutely nothing because I am usually shocked at the information that randomly comes to my mind. I had one of these special moments just now. It was a moment where everything truthful of my faith came flashing at me in one blur. It was a moment where I just sat and stared as tears fell down my face in gratitude. It was a moment when Gods hand in my life was all too apparent. It started a couple days ago with an email I received from a somewhat close relative. I am always surprised to hear from this relative, since I am not in frequent contact with her. We recently saw each other at a funeral, but even then we didn't talk too much. She is distant to me, but yet holds way to much trust in me. Not saying that I am not a trustworthy person, but considering how well we know each other... I just think its too much trust. I seem to have a parental role in our relationship, when you really step back and analyze the dynamics.. but then again I seem to have a parental role within everything in this side of the family. That's for another blog however. This email was a plea for help. Pleading me to help her? I know, I thought it was ridiculous too. It took me a few days to respond because I didn't find that my words would really bring her comfort. I definitely don't have anything important or earth shattering stories to tell. I finally sat down and wrote my letter tonight, and everything just spilled out how it should have. She needed help with the gospel, and all I could talk about was faith. All I could talk about was how horrible the world would be without the comfort of belief in something greater. I don't know what my words will do, or if my "counsel" will have any affect on her.. but it really affected me. I struggle every day to do the Lords work, as I am sure we all do. I struggle every day to know that I am doing what he wants me to do. I struggle with loving as He loves, and treating others as He would treat them. Then this song always pops in my head. "When you look in the mirror do you see who he sees?" Some days I do, and some days I don't. But to know that He sees something so much greater.. to know that someone believes in me as much as He does, and someone knows I am capable... How comforting...Then I got thinking about that poem "Footprints" and how that its through those times of trial that He is carrying you.. I began the email not knowing what to say, and ended with a very spiritual experience for myself. One of those moments where everything made sense. One of those moments where tears just fell in gratitude, and one that I hope to remember... its when those special moments leave you that things become much harder. Its hard on a day to day basis to remember those special little moments. One thing that seems to help me is Ether 12:4. Read it. I am grateful for the special little moments where the only place to go next is on your knees.

Cookies Wont Do

Im getting better at posting!! You should all be very proud! Well.. yesterday started the first day of my spring break! I cannot even begin to explain how excited I am to not have to go to school! They did however give me plenty of homework to fill my time up with, because I couldnt imagine doing anything besides homework on this glorious week away from school! This break isnt what has been consuming my thoughts lately, however exciting a break may be, this is much much better. Well two things really..

I'll start with the bad. I am currently in a choir called the OCMCO. Its a fabulous organization, one in which I have been a part of since last September. We had a christmas concert that was so thrilling to be a part of, and I was so grateful to have music like that back in my life. I was so reluctant to leave the amazing high school choir I was blessed to have, so this was a breath of fresh air since that sad parting. They practice every thursday evening, with the occassional saturday rehersals when our concerts get closer. Like I said, I loved it at first. We have a concert coming up on March 21st, and that will be my final performance with the OCMCO. I am trying to be as positive as possible because I dont want people to get the impression that I find myself better than those in the choir, because that isnt the case at all. I am getting frustrated at the lack of commitment however, because it takes so long to get the members to follow directions, especially when it comes to our memorization schedule. I just find that the choir is more for people looking to get out of the house for an evening to themselves. There isnt anyone that is my age, and I am just getting a little tired of driving to newport every thursday when I have pressing homework issues that need more attention. I loved the time I had with this organization at our christmas concert, and my best wishes to them in their future endeavors.

Now to the best part of my life. My mother and Collin Im sure will roll their eyes at that last sentence, because I havent stopped talking about this amazing opportunity. Life is all about connections, and I find myself constantly saying "Its not what you know, but who you know." That phrase should be the slogin for the music world I am up against. As many of you know, I am an avid singer. Its my passion, its my joy, and its through music that I find the most peace. I have wanted for some time to do something with my voice, but there have been acouple obstacles causing me to really contemplate how badly I want it. I eventually decided that if it was meant to be, things would kind of fall into place. You need your foot in the door somehow, and I just decided that if my foot was meant to be in the door then it would happen... someone somewhere would help me. So Ive just been singing in church hopeing that someone in the audience would like me enough to help me out. Like I said, its all about connections within this vicious world. I get asked to sing in various wards in the area, but its mainly just been in my own stake. Then one day, a lady from a neighboring stake called and asked if I would sing in her ward, explaining that she had heard from someone she works with that I was good. I went, and I guess I struck a cord with her because she praised me for it continuously, admitting that she didnt think I was going to be that great, but yet I proved her wrong. Not to toot my horn... because this is starting to sound like that. So moving on... Long story short, this kind kind woman forwarded me an email for a competition going on in Salt Lake City, UT this summer, encouraging me to attend. I cant even begin to describe in words how grateful I am for this opportunity. Had it not been for this connection, I would have never found out about this... ever. I honestly dont know what my chances are of winning this thing because I know there are so many wonderfully talented singers out there, but its the experience that I am looking forward to most. Its a weekend full of classes and talks with some of my idols... Hilary Weeks, Tyler Castleton, Jenny Phillips... There are only 150 people admitted into this amazing program, so I definately jumped at the offer. I get the chance to spend a half hour with either Tyler Castleton, or Jenny Phillips, in a recording studio. I get one on one critique on my improvements, and my honest chances in this competitive world. That opportunity doesnt just come to everyone, so I am at a loss of words... Regardless of my success in the actual competition, I will walk away with more confidence and a better feel for what it would be like. I will walk away with just the opportunity to be in the same room as these creative geniuses. I will get the chance to ask them personally, some questions that have been on my mind for awhile. I just cant believe it! Cookies just wont do as a thank you to this woman...

A beautiful service

I just thought I would get on here quick because the week is going to be crazy and I know I wont be able to get on here any other time. I just have a lot of tests and papers.. in pretty much every class. I wish there was such thing as boycotting in school.

Yesterday I attended my grandpas funeral, and I have to admit that it was a beautiful service. Afterward, Collin even said he got a little chocked up. It was one of those things where they were all paying tribute to their dad, making you reflect on people you love dear in your own life. It didn't matter if you didn't know the man, you could still get something out of it.. even if what you got was just to show more appreciation to those you love. That was definitely something that I took from the service. The whole ride home I kept thinking about my moms parents and how dear they are to me. I even called their house and told my grandpa that I loved him, because I just couldn't get it out of my head. The first part of the funeral was extremely awkward, and I cant really talk about it without crying.. just to prove how bad it was. Collin could not have been better.. I was so grateful to have him there with me, and there were numerous times when I just looked at him in awe because he was dealing with it all so coolly; he was dealing with my nerves so coolly. I cant even express how grateful I was for that. The only awkward part was at the beginning of the service, and if you want to know more you can ask me elsewhere because I am just afraid to be posting this for everyone to see, but that awkwardness was enough to handle. However, the service was beautiful and staring at that coffin made it so real.. I will never see that man again, and I was so bothered that I was crying.. but once I saw that coffin the tears wouldn't stop. Especially when my cousin Mikie got up to say a few words.. I was a mess because that was his dad. My grandfather raised him and he even said that that was his best friend that he just lost.. so that broke me. I felt for him deeply.. because for him it was an extreme loss. It was soo wonderful to see that whole family though because some of them haven't seen me since I was 12. They hardly recognized me, so it was really nice to catch up with everyone. Collin and I left at around 9am and we didn't arrive in coto until about 6pm.. and even though I was scared I can honestly say that I enjoyed my day, and it didn't really seem that long.

Here's to a week full of accomplishments.. I'm excited to start digging into it even though I have no idea how I will actually make it. This is my last week before spring break though, so I'm really excited!! Wish me Luck!

Death

I walked away satisfied with my last entry, but then of course I felt bad for not mentioning something that some might be interested to know about. Yes, its a quality I don't like about myself; the ability to feel bad over everything.. but especially this situation. I wont go into much for fear that some people read this without me knowing that they read it, but out of respect I thought I should give a little moment to him.. I figured I could do that. My Grandpa Dave died tonight around 7pm. It was a fluke thing for me because I didn't think it was true that colon cancer worked hard and fast. It is true though because he was only diagnosed about 2 weeks ago. He had an extensive surgery last Sunday that didn't go as well as they would have liked, and I am under the impression that he has been on life support this whole week. That's how they made it seem. My Grandma Bun I guess was trying to decide what to do, but then at around 2pm today she just decided that it was best if he go back to the Lord because it was apparent that no miracles were happening. They said he wasn't in pain, which is always a comfort, and having from about 2-7 to be with him.. I think that is a blessing all in itself because not many people are given that opportunity. I look back at the blessing it was to have been with my Grandpa Mac at thanksgiving time..just to sit with him and help feed him. I will always remember that because it was so special.. we all knew that that would be the last time we spent with him, and it is amazing the difference in that day knowing that that was the last time. I can only imagine what it must have been like for that family because I know that he was a big support to them, both emotionally and financially. I have been beating myself up all day today because I haven't really cried. I should probably not go into that part though..again for fear of my readers. I found out about his diagnosis from my cousin Lindy, with whom I talk to often, and she encouraged me to call him because she said it would mean a lot to him. I debated with it for awhile because I wasn't sure what I would say. I was extremely nervous actually.. because I haven't really ever talked to him. I didn't know exactly what would happen. I ended up just biting the bullet and calling and wow.. I didn't know how much that would mean to him. He cried, and thanked me, and we had a wonderful conversation where I tried to calm his fears because he definitely was scared.. I could hear it in his voice. I told him about all the people who loved him, and about how lucky he was to have such a big support group. I told him about the power of prayer and how grateful he should be to have a power like that in his hands, and in the hands of all those who love him. I talked a lot, maybe out of nerves.. but I am grateful for that. If anything, I feel good about myself that despite the sticky situation and despite my personal feelings.. I just put it aside and made a phone call that I am sure he will always remember, because I know I will always remember it. He was very loyal to his family, and I know they will always remember him. I will be attending the funeral this Saturday morning..... Yes, I am bringing Collin, and I was happy that he volunteered... I think my crying about nerves is what did it.. but I am happy that I will have him there with me.. I just hope that it turns out ok. I just hope that no one focuses on me.. that they will all be consumed with morning so as not to notice that I am there. I just don't want all the questions about why I haven't been there in so long.. I don't want the questions that I have no nice answers to. I just want to go and pay my respects to a man, of whom I am sure was a great man. If anything, I am just sad I didn't get the chance to know him like I have always wanted...