As I mentioned before, a fetish is something that you just have to have. Something that brings you joy when other things don't. I am a person who needs that joy in life. Well, everyone should want joy in their lives, but I have to have it in order to feel even the least bit of motivation to get out of bed. I am certainly pessimistic by nature. When a situation is put in front of me, I automatically think of everything that could possibly go wrong. But I have certain things that I do that I know for a fact will get me out of these moods I can sometimes get caught in. Depression is the simple way to put it, but I don't really like that word. I just like to think of these moods as a slight set-back to what could be a great day. There isn't anything that causes these moods except my thoughts. They are my worst enemy. They leave me feeling worthless, unimportant, ugly... It gets really bad sometimes. Today was kind of like that I guess. It wasn't that my thoughts were taking over completely, like they can do. It was just that I needed a little boost. I was feeling slightly like a failure, and for no reason, and rather than just tell myself that I am not, I have to really dive into the thoughts and find their origin. If I don't, they take over. If I don't, it carries to the next day. If I don't, feelings of failure just linger, and who wants that? So the only place to go, my little fetish of sorts that pulls me out slowly... the self-help section of Borders. I sit there for hours just reading little bits of books that pop out to me, books that are addressing whatever it is causing me pain. It seems stupid, and time consuming.. but its amazing. Yes, I can joke about it, because self-help books are the brunt of many jokes I am fond of... but they also give me just what I am looking for. Its my niche. You are probably envisioning my room, and the amount of self-help books I should own at this point, because I am a regular at Borders.. but envision no more because I never purchase. You heard me, I never purchase. I sit for hours reading whatever chapter I feel I need, and then the book goes back on the shelf. There are days, like today, when I think someone will come up and threaten that I have to buy the book.. I don't know what I will do when that actually does happen. They probably know me by now, so they don't even bother. If, for my family out there, you are thinking this is a new thing for me, think again. I go to the far left corner of Borders more than I care to admit. Anyways.. I was there today for a couple hours browsing the topic I needed reassurance on, and I came to a great sentence.. it was in a Dr. Laura book. I am a big fan of hers. There is something about listening to her show and just realizing that you aren't the only one with problems, or even that there are people far more screwed up then you are, and I somehow find comfort in that.
"It's just that nothing, no one, no thing, will ultimately make you happy unless you learn the fine art of appreciation and gratitude for what you have, for what he or she has to offer, for the opportunities for giving, and for life itself." -Dr. Laura
I'll let it speak for itself, and it certainly spoke to me. Not because I didn't know it already, because in church I feel that this is taught often, but because sometimes it needs to hit me in the face. Sometimes, and maybe this is why I love these kinds of books.. but sometimes I just need solid reminders. I need the words on the paper, I need those calm peaceful feelings of encouragement after prayer, I need those smiles telling me I can do it.. because life is hard. Life is hard. It is hard for me to get up every morning happy. It is hard for me to look at life and think of all the wonderful possibilities. It is hard for me to look within myself and find beauty. It is hard for me to constantly know I am worth something. I need the reassurance.. I need the encouragement. And though self-help books can be corny and repetitive.. they are encouragement. They get me smiling. They are always believing in me, regardless of the fact that I am probably the only person on the planet who treats them like real people. Maybe that's why I love them so much, because they are real people to me. They are actually standing there cheering, and patting me on the back. No, it isn't anything different from what my religion teaches me. And yes, I look to God for encouragement often. My faith makes up the rest. My faith steps in when self-help books cannot, and self-books cant a lot of the time. At this point, I'm sitting here wondering why I am saying this. I cant figure out the point of this entry. I cant even figure out why I felt the need to tell you this, of all things. I just.. I sometimes get down, as I am sure all of us can, and its just nice to have things in life to help that. There was a point when I thought there was nothing. Its such a comfort to be able to fix these moods of mine. Its such a comfort, and a powerful thing to be able to change my attitude. We always hear that we are capable, that we are in control.. but to actually experience that. To feel like a completely lost cause, and then be able to change that, what a powerful feeling. I am so grateful that I can pull myself out.. I am so grateful that I have tools in life to help me make the most out of my time here, whether that be prayer or self-help books.. I am just grateful. I have been blessed with a wonderful mind that can think and feel and ponder for itself, now I just have to utilize it to better my attitude. I have to really make the most of these thoughts of mine, and change myself for the better. I don't expect this to be an overnight thing, as most, if not all, change is, but it starts now.. because I want to put in motion something I hopefully will figure out at some point. I want to start changing now, so that this slow re-molding of my mind will constantly be working, constantly be changing. I don't even think this change could be complete in one lifetime, but I can try. I have the power to change my thoughts. So here's to the start of practicing my happiness.
